I really didn't want to write this. I was hoping that most people knew how to ride an elevator and that I was just being negative/cynical but once again the general public has failed me. The following interaction happened the other day, which prompted me to write this post: I'm on the elevator, it gets to my floor, the doors open and I step forward to get off. As I'm doing this, some douchebag gets on the elevator as soon as the doors open up, before I can exit the car (or cab or whatever it's called) and bumps into me without apologizing, which leads to the following exchange:
Me: What is this your first time on an elevator?
Douche: What?
Me: You're supposed to wait before getting on an elevator to see if people are getting off first.
Douche: Sorry. What are you the elevator police?
Me: Yeh I am, douchebag. Have a fun ride. I hope the cables snap.
(Doors close)
It was perfect. People have gotten in my way while exiting an elevator before but I never said anything. I must have been in a bad mood or something that day because I gave this guy the business. I felt kinda bad about my "I hope the cables snap" comment but come on...elevator police? What a tool. Besides this guy broke the cardinal rule of elevator riding: When your elevator arrives, wait one second before boarding to see if anyone already riding in the cab is getting out first. It's not hard. There's no need to rush on. It's not a fun ride. It's not gonna leave without you. If the doors start to shut, you can just put your hand or foot in between them to trigger the censor. You will not be crushed by them. Everything will be fine. Just chill the fuck out for 1 sec and make sure no one is getting out of the cab before you get on. I thought this was common knowledge but now I'm not so sure.
You see, I work in a building with 19 floors. Well, 17 really. There's no 13th floor (typical) and no 9th floor. I have no idea why there's no 9th floor. I've asked multiple people and no one knows why. Feel free to share any theories with me. Anyway, I work on the 7th floor, so I ride the elevator often. I try to use the steps as often as possible (for exercise and to avoid the smelly elevator crowd) but I'm lazy sometimes and don't always feel like using my legs. In addition to 4 seperate elevators, my building also has escalators running up and down to as high as the 4th floor. For starters I can't tell you how annoyed I get when people use the elevator to get to floors 2 through 4. I always wanna say to them, "You know there's an escalator that can take you there, right?" but the escalators do break down fairly often so I keep my big mouth shut and scream profanities at them in my head instead (even though, as Mitch Hedberg once pointed out, escalators can never really break). So my next piece of advice is: If you're only going up/down 2-3 floors and you have the ability to walk up stairs...take the fucking stairs. You could use the exercise anyway, you lazy tub of lard. If the building has escalators, then use them. They're even less work then stairs, plus you won't have to worry about riding in your potential coffin to your floor. If you choice not to heed my advice then I hope you ride that elevator straight to hell.
When you are going 3+ floors and decide to ride the elevator, don't be a weirdo. It's usually awkward enough when you're in an elevator with strangers, especially when there's no music (or muzak). You're in a confined space, with people you don't know, standing in silence for what seems like forever. Don't make it worse. For starters, face forward. Don't stand facing sideways, staring directly at other people on the elevator. It just makes it more uncomfortable for everyone on board. And certainly don't stand with your back to the doors. Only a psychopath would do this. Even if you are in fact a psychopath, don't do this. You don't want others to know you're a psycho until you're about to strike anyway. So if you are a nut job and are about to go buck nutty on someone, then stand with your back to the doors. Otherwise, again, please face forward. If you are ever on an elevator with someone who has their back to the doors or is even facing sideways and staring at you...punch them. Punch them right in the face. Assume they read this post and attack them before they can attack you. It's for your own safety.
Here's another thing I shouldn't have to write: When in an elevator, be aware of the people and space around you. If you're standing in front and someone else gets on, move to the back if there's space. Don't be a dick and just stand there so they're crammed between you and the doors, or make them squeeze pass you to get to the open space. Move back. If your floor comes before there's, just politely say "excuse me", they'll adjust and you'll get off. If you're in the front of a packed elevator and you come to a floor that isn't your's but someone else on the elevator is trying to get off, then step off the elevator and let them get out. You don't have to invade anyone's personal space in order to let them out. Again, the cab won't leave without you. Just hop off for a sec, let them exit the elevator, hop back in the cab and resume riding. (Note: you don't actually have to hop like a bunny. Walking is fine.) Also, if you are in an elevator that was once crowded but is no longer, you're allowed to move around the cab so you're not too close to someone. Don't be a creeper and stand on top of someone or directly behind them when there's no one else in there. Most people understand this and naturally adjust but some socially retarded individuals do not. These people should not be allowed to reproduce.
Next, if you're in an awkward elevator situation, do not, I repeat, DO NOT engage others in conversation. No one wants to have to talk to you just because you feel uncomfortable. 95% of these types of conversations are about the weather and people are probably sick and tired of talking about the weather. Unless you have something incredibly witty or profound to say (and trust me, you don't) then keep your trap zipped. It's not like you're flying somewhere and you're gonna be sitting next to this person for hours and it's somewhat coincidental that you're both at that place and time, going to the same destination. No. You're on an elevator. You'll only be on there for a handful of seconds. Resist the urge to say something dumb. The only possible circumstance where it MAY be ok to say something is if someone else in the elevator is being extremely douchey (facing backwards, talking on their phone about something obnoxious, smells really bad, etc.). When they get off it's fine to say something like "Well that was the most annoying 10 seconds of my day" or "Sheesh that guy really stunk" to other people on the elevator. But that's it. No unnecessary banter. Just stand there, look down at the ground or at your phone, and keep your pie hole shut.
One last thing: Elevator buttons do not sense urgency. They should, I know, but we have not reached that level of technology yet. So when you're waiting for the elevator to arrive, if the button for the direction in which you are going is already pressed, there's no need to press it again. If you've been waiting for a while, pressing it 3-27 times in a row will NOT make it get there any faster. Just calm down and continue to wait patiently. If you're in that much of a hurry then run up/down the stairs. Don't be a nitwit and press the button a bunch of times like you have special powers. You don't. You're just an idiot.
These are the unwritten rules of elevator etiquette. Well now they've been written, so abide by them or else suffer the consequences. The punishment for breaking any of these rules should be a beating with a bag of oranges. Multiple bags of not-quite-ripe-yet oranges. But if you don't have a bag of oranges handy and someone breaks one of these rules, it's ok to use your fists. If you get in trouble for implementing Elevator Law then just mention my name, reference this post and I'm sure the charges will be dropped. If you have any other rules to add, feel free to comment.
PS A quick word about riding escalators (and moving walkways as well): They are not rides either. If you're gonna be a lazy piece of shit and just stand there, then do what they do in England: stay to the right. Leave the left side open for us non-idiots who like to walk them (and pretend that we're super walkers). If you get in the way then, just like in England, we are allowed to run you over. Hopefully you get hurt on the sharp steps and/or your fingers get caught in the machine at the end.
PPS I'm mean.
