Right now we're headed down the final stretch. The week before Christmas. Anything and everything involving Christmas is in full swing. The lights, the decorations, the music, shopping, cooking, awful clothing, the commercials, etc. etc. etc. And I am severely annoyed by all of it this year. Let me start off by saying I have not always hated Christmas and I don't suspect that my hatred will last forever. Actually I have some very fond childhood memories of Christmas. I can still remember my sheer elation when I opened my original Nintendo system on Christmas morning many years ago. However, ever since I found out that that fat man in the red suit was just something adults made up, for God knows what reason, each Christmas has gotten worse and now I've hit rock bottom. Granted it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I'm 27 years old and still live at home with my parents (I struggled to find/keep a job after college and since finding/holding on to one, I've been saving up for...fuck off! I don't have to explain myself to you. I still live at home. That's all you need to know. If you find that sad or weird then eat shit and die). So essentially I've been experiencing the same Christmas nonsense all my life and I've had to it up to here!! (Holding my hand slightly above my head.). My hatred towards the holiday has been building all month. I've been trying to keep it in check and focus on some of the things that I like about it but I can't any longer. Everywhere you turn, someone or something is shoving Christmas down your throat. It's just too much. So I apologize in advance for my thoughts and some of the language I'm about to use but trust me it is completely necessary. Otherwise, I'd scream "Go to hell!" to the next person who wished me a happy holiday or I'd attack and murder the next dude I saw in a Santa outfit. And I don't wanna do that. I'm too pretty for jail and I don't want to be ostracized from the community for hating "the most wonderful time of the year". So here's why I fucking hate Christmas this year (deep breath)...
For starters, you can't even hate on Christmas without being called Scrooge or Grinch, which are just fucking references to fucking Christmas stories! Why can't I just be a miserable dick who hates Christmas? Shut the fuck up with the Grinch and Scrooge comments. If I'm Scrooge then you're a lil handicapped pip-squeak and I hope you die before Christmas or shortly after (I told ya. This is gonna get ugly).
Christmas is clearly the most overhyped holiday. How the fuck did it takeover the entire month? No other holiday dominates an entire month like Christmas. Valentine's Day comes close but is nowhere as overwhelming as Christmas. However the fact that they are similar leads me to believe that it is obviously the work of retail companies. They use their commercials to create all these illusions about Christmas traditions that you should, or MUST, partake in. And you know what? It fucking worked. I guarentee you Christmas didn't always dominate the entire month before TV and radio came into existence. Now we spend our hard-earned cash, that we've saved up all year, to buy massive amounts of unnecessary presents for people who don't deserve them. Make no mistake about it, very few people actually deserve the presents they get. The majority of gift recepients are children and 95% of those greedy lil bastards certainly don't deserve shit, let alone hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in gifts. The only children who actually deserve presents are the ones who are sick and they usually get the crappiest presents, like a teddy bear or something. The teddy bears from the link I just posted were brought to children in local hospitals in Calgary. A lovely thought but those kids should get iphones, Xbox360s and laptops. Give the teddy bears to the kids who are shitty all year except for December because "Santa Claus is coming to town".
Which brings me to my next point: Santa Fucking Claus. What an outlandish lie that has become. If you want to laugh go to Wikipedia, search Santa Claus, pretend you've never heard of him before, read away and laugh at this ridiculous, obviously made up, character. This is who we tell our children is responsible for Christmas. Lying straight to their faces...for years. Doing some of the most elabortae shit ever to maintain the lie. All because we think it makes Christmas more enjoyable for our children. That's bull shit. All kids care about are presents. Of course the idea of Santa makes Christmas more enchanting but at what cost? I truly believe that telling children Santa Claus is real makes them dumber individuals, which in turn leads to the already-high-enough population of idiots. Think about how impressionable kids are. They have their parents, whom they trust with all their hearts, telling them that it's possible for this overweight trespasser in red to make it around the world, via flying reindeer, and deliver presents to all 6 billion people on Earth...in one night. And they believe it! Of course they do. They're nieve and dumb. They haven't been introduced to lies or dissappointment yet. So they grow up believing this, all the other ridiculous shit we tell them and anything else their vivid imaginations can cook up which adequately fucks them up and turns them into idiots. Then at some point they find out the truth and they become jaded idiots. And they are a dangerous type of people.
Another effect this has on kids is it makes them unappreciative. They think some magical fat ass, who doesn't even need to be thanked, is responsible for Christmas. Think about it, how often do you see/hear about Santa after Christmas? Very little, if at all. If we're gonna continue with the whole Santa charade then the guys who play him at the mall should hang around til the Epiphany (Jan. 6th) and parents should take their kids to see him so they can properly thank him. But this won't happen and these shitty kids will continuously think that their borderline criminal behavior is more nice than naughty because they got a buttload of presents. They have absolutely no idea how hard their parents work or how much money they spend just to make their kids happy. That should be the first lesson of Christmas that children learn. Not that some dumb lard from the North Pole rewards children regardless of their questionable behavior. And don't try to tell me that the whole coal in the stocking thing is an effective way of conveying to children that they need to improve on their behavior. It just isn't. Coal is something we should be sending to those less fortunate in 3rd world countries. Not giving it to our spoiled children as a way to tell them they need to be better.
Another little thing that urks me about Christmas every year, which I touched on earlier, is all the fucking commercials. Almost every single company produces some ridiculously annoying Christmas commercial. It's either the big red fat bastard doing something moronic or people getting together and having a great time because they're enjoying whatever is being advertised. They wouldn't be that bad if there weren't so many of them or if they didn't start playing them immediately after Halloween but...they do. Again it's not anywhere close to the most annoying thing about the holiday but it adds up and slowly eats away at your sanity. One commercial, however, does completely drive me up the fucking wall. Lexus has been running Christmas commercials, year after year, of people getting Lexuses (or Lexi?) for mother fucking Christmas. Are you fucking kidding me? No one, outside of Mother Theresa or Angelina Jolie, deserves a Lexus for Christmas. Well Mother Theresa is dead and I'm fairly certain that Angelina is still very naughty at times (in my mind at least), so pretty much no one actually deserves a fucking luxury car for Christmas. I don't know what brainiac thought of this commercial or what kind of focus groups continuously give them the thumbs up, especially in this economy, but whoever is responsible should be sterilized. And don't even get me started on the giant ribbon they wrap the car in. I highly doubt anyone has ever wrapped a car with a giat red ribbon but if anyone has then they are the epitome of a douchebag.
Which brings me to my next grievance with Christmas: wrapping paper. Talk about a complete and utter waste of paper. I know it hides the gift and I guess it makes the whole process a lil more exciting but come on...not really. If actual trees are used to make wrapping paper then the practice of wrapping gifts needs to be stopped immediately. We can't be cutting down trees to make something look pretty for maybe 10 seconds before some monster rips it to pieces and tosses it all over the place. That has truly got to be a slightly devastating moment for parents: Watching their ungrateful kids rip through paper in the blink of an eye after they spent hours wrapping gifts in it and making them look nice. Some people maintain that this is one of the best parts of Christmas but those people are stupid. It's this kind of mindless tradition following that really pisses me off about Christmas. Just throw the presents in a bag or box and use the same bags/boxes every year. Trust me, no kid is enjoying the present receiving process any less. Jesus H. Christ!
Speaking of which, when did Jesus get taken out of the equation? Christmas is supposed to be about the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, correct? I honestly hear more about Jesus during the year whenever these groups of religious nuts are protesting something that'll make our society better, like abortion, stem cell research, etc. Then Christmas rolls around and I don't hear a peep about him. Hearing about Jesus during Christmas would actually be a breath of fresh air compared to hearing about that sweaty, jolly diabetic all the time. I understand that Christ was probably actually born in some other month and that we only celebrate at the end of the year for whatever reason, but man do I hear less and less about the babe in swaddling clothes each year. I'm gonna stop there because the reason I don't hear much about Jesus probably reflects more on myself than anything. I'll besmirch the shit outta Santa but Jesus may be real so I don't wanna say anything to offend him. For the record, JC if Santa was real, I'd still think you were cooler than him. Keep Christ in fucking Christmas people.
My least favorite part of Christmas is the receiving of gifts that you do not want at all. Honestly, I'd say about 90% of gifts received are completely unnecessary. People buy them for a number of different reasons: to be nice/thoughtful, because commercials persuaded them to, because someone got one for them, etc. Whatever the reason people sit in traffic, fight for parking spots, wait in long lines, and search high and low for deals just for shit that people don't really need. The worst kinds of gifts you get are typically from co-workers. I'd be shocked if anyone, ever, received a gift that they liked or could actually use from a co-worker. It just doesn't happen. That's why a lot of people just give cards to their co-workers. But even that is annoying because then you have to get one for them as well or else you look like an asshole. Getting crappy gifts from loved ones isn't that fun either. The fact that they know you better than others increases the chance that it's not complete shit but it still most likely is. And we have to pretend that we like it. Ugh it's awful.
Before I break the world's record for longest anti-Christmas blog, let me wrap this up. But first a quick warning: If you encounter someone who says that they wish it could Christmas all year 'round...RUN AWAY! Quickly. Get as far away from them as possible and don't ever talk to them again because clearly that person is demented. If it's someone that you can't distance yourself from because they're family or know too much about you and will find you then get them psychiatric help. They are the type of delusional human being who seems happy-go-lucky until something just snaps. Next thing you know they're going on a killing spree over a Tickle-me-Elmo. Please heed my advice. It's in everyone's best interest.
Obviously it's pretty easy to criticize Christmas (remember I could have kept writing). If I had the summarize why I hate it so much this year, it would be because of all the overindulgence. There's just way too much excess during this time of year and it makes me sick, especially when so many people are struggling to get by. Also I am thoroughly fed up with blindly following traditions. This has more to do with my current living situation than anything else. I truly can't wait until I get out of my parents house (any day now, I swear) so I have more control over what traditions I partake in. If you are able to avoid Christmas, or at least most of it's annoyances, because your family is all dead or estranged or something then God bless you. You are truly fortunate. Enjoy the holiday anyway you'd like. Even if it's sitting home alone, getting drunk and high and pounding off to your favorite porno...that's fine. That's what Christmas should be all about.
Merry fucking Christmas, you filthy animals.
