I really didn't want to write this. I was hoping that most people knew how to ride an elevator and that I was just being negative/cynical but once again the general public has failed me. The following interaction happened the other day, which prompted me to write this post: I'm on the elevator, it gets to my floor, the doors open and I step forward to get off. As I'm doing this, some douchebag gets on the elevator as soon as the doors open up, before I can exit the car (or cab or whatever it's called) and bumps into me without apologizing, which leads to the following exchange:
Me: What is this your first time on an elevator?
Douche: What?
Me: You're supposed to wait before getting on an elevator to see if people are getting off first.
Douche: Sorry. What are you the elevator police?
Me: Yeh I am, douchebag. Have a fun ride. I hope the cables snap.
(Doors close)
It was perfect. People have gotten in my way while exiting an elevator before but I never said anything. I must have been in a bad mood or something that day because I gave this guy the business. I felt kinda bad about my "I hope the cables snap" comment but come on...elevator police? What a tool. Besides this guy broke the cardinal rule of elevator riding: When your elevator arrives, wait one second before boarding to see if anyone already riding in the cab is getting out first. It's not hard. There's no need to rush on. It's not a fun ride. It's not gonna leave without you. If the doors start to shut, you can just put your hand or foot in between them to trigger the censor. You will not be crushed by them. Everything will be fine. Just chill the fuck out for 1 sec and make sure no one is getting out of the cab before you get on. I thought this was common knowledge but now I'm not so sure.
You see, I work in a building with 19 floors. Well, 17 really. There's no 13th floor (typical) and no 9th floor. I have no idea why there's no 9th floor. I've asked multiple people and no one knows why. Feel free to share any theories with me. Anyway, I work on the 7th floor, so I ride the elevator often. I try to use the steps as often as possible (for exercise and to avoid the smelly elevator crowd) but I'm lazy sometimes and don't always feel like using my legs. In addition to 4 seperate elevators, my building also has escalators running up and down to as high as the 4th floor. For starters I can't tell you how annoyed I get when people use the elevator to get to floors 2 through 4. I always wanna say to them, "You know there's an escalator that can take you there, right?" but the escalators do break down fairly often so I keep my big mouth shut and scream profanities at them in my head instead (even though, as Mitch Hedberg once pointed out, escalators can never really break). So my next piece of advice is: If you're only going up/down 2-3 floors and you have the ability to walk up stairs...take the fucking stairs. You could use the exercise anyway, you lazy tub of lard. If the building has escalators, then use them. They're even less work then stairs, plus you won't have to worry about riding in your potential coffin to your floor. If you choice not to heed my advice then I hope you ride that elevator straight to hell.
When you are going 3+ floors and decide to ride the elevator, don't be a weirdo. It's usually awkward enough when you're in an elevator with strangers, especially when there's no music (or muzak). You're in a confined space, with people you don't know, standing in silence for what seems like forever. Don't make it worse. For starters, face forward. Don't stand facing sideways, staring directly at other people on the elevator. It just makes it more uncomfortable for everyone on board. And certainly don't stand with your back to the doors. Only a psychopath would do this. Even if you are in fact a psychopath, don't do this. You don't want others to know you're a psycho until you're about to strike anyway. So if you are a nut job and are about to go buck nutty on someone, then stand with your back to the doors. Otherwise, again, please face forward. If you are ever on an elevator with someone who has their back to the doors or is even facing sideways and staring at you...punch them. Punch them right in the face. Assume they read this post and attack them before they can attack you. It's for your own safety.
Here's another thing I shouldn't have to write: When in an elevator, be aware of the people and space around you. If you're standing in front and someone else gets on, move to the back if there's space. Don't be a dick and just stand there so they're crammed between you and the doors, or make them squeeze pass you to get to the open space. Move back. If your floor comes before there's, just politely say "excuse me", they'll adjust and you'll get off. If you're in the front of a packed elevator and you come to a floor that isn't your's but someone else on the elevator is trying to get off, then step off the elevator and let them get out. You don't have to invade anyone's personal space in order to let them out. Again, the cab won't leave without you. Just hop off for a sec, let them exit the elevator, hop back in the cab and resume riding. (Note: you don't actually have to hop like a bunny. Walking is fine.) Also, if you are in an elevator that was once crowded but is no longer, you're allowed to move around the cab so you're not too close to someone. Don't be a creeper and stand on top of someone or directly behind them when there's no one else in there. Most people understand this and naturally adjust but some socially retarded individuals do not. These people should not be allowed to reproduce.
Next, if you're in an awkward elevator situation, do not, I repeat, DO NOT engage others in conversation. No one wants to have to talk to you just because you feel uncomfortable. 95% of these types of conversations are about the weather and people are probably sick and tired of talking about the weather. Unless you have something incredibly witty or profound to say (and trust me, you don't) then keep your trap zipped. It's not like you're flying somewhere and you're gonna be sitting next to this person for hours and it's somewhat coincidental that you're both at that place and time, going to the same destination. No. You're on an elevator. You'll only be on there for a handful of seconds. Resist the urge to say something dumb. The only possible circumstance where it MAY be ok to say something is if someone else in the elevator is being extremely douchey (facing backwards, talking on their phone about something obnoxious, smells really bad, etc.). When they get off it's fine to say something like "Well that was the most annoying 10 seconds of my day" or "Sheesh that guy really stunk" to other people on the elevator. But that's it. No unnecessary banter. Just stand there, look down at the ground or at your phone, and keep your pie hole shut.
One last thing: Elevator buttons do not sense urgency. They should, I know, but we have not reached that level of technology yet. So when you're waiting for the elevator to arrive, if the button for the direction in which you are going is already pressed, there's no need to press it again. If you've been waiting for a while, pressing it 3-27 times in a row will NOT make it get there any faster. Just calm down and continue to wait patiently. If you're in that much of a hurry then run up/down the stairs. Don't be a nitwit and press the button a bunch of times like you have special powers. You don't. You're just an idiot.
These are the unwritten rules of elevator etiquette. Well now they've been written, so abide by them or else suffer the consequences. The punishment for breaking any of these rules should be a beating with a bag of oranges. Multiple bags of not-quite-ripe-yet oranges. But if you don't have a bag of oranges handy and someone breaks one of these rules, it's ok to use your fists. If you get in trouble for implementing Elevator Law then just mention my name, reference this post and I'm sure the charges will be dropped. If you have any other rules to add, feel free to comment.
PS A quick word about riding escalators (and moving walkways as well): They are not rides either. If you're gonna be a lazy piece of shit and just stand there, then do what they do in England: stay to the right. Leave the left side open for us non-idiots who like to walk them (and pretend that we're super walkers). If you get in the way then, just like in England, we are allowed to run you over. Hopefully you get hurt on the sharp steps and/or your fingers get caught in the machine at the end.
PPS I'm mean.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
My Plan to Revitalize Atlantic City
Atlantic City is in trouble. It's been well documented. Month after month, revenue is down and more casinos are opening in the surrounding areas. Over the summer, Governor Chris Christie unveiled his plan for the state to partially take over AC to try to fix their problems and re-energize the city. Personally I was excited to hear his plan. I didn't vote for the man, so to see him take on a project to help a place that's near and dear to my heart was a pleasant surprise. The main aspect of his plan that made me happy was that all the revenue generated from AC would stay in AC (CRDA revenue that is). As Christie said, North Jersey has disproportionately benefited from the money generated in AC for too long. Now that AC is struggling, no more casino money. I'm not going to pretend I know why a portion of these revenues went up North in the first place. I'm sure there was some good (or bad) reason. I just like hearing that they won't be going up there anymore. I dislike North Jersey and always suspected that they benefited unfairly from AC and our beautiful beaches down here in the South (I reckon!). Now Christie was confirming my suspicion about AC and putting an end to it.
The next part of his plan left me a little confused. He wants to turn Atlantic City into a family resort, like Las Vegas. Family resort? Vegas? Huh? I've never been to Vegas so maybe my perception of it is heavily skewed but I had no idea it was considered a family resort. After hearing all the stories of gambling and debauchery, never once did I hear someone say, "I can't wait to take the kids back there." I mean it's called Sin City for Christ's sake!! I'd really like to go to see for myself but I'll operate under the assumption that it is somewhat family-oriented for sake of argument. If it is, it has to be because it is in the middle of the fucking desert. There's nowhere else close enough for families to go to, but adults still want to go there because...it's Vegas! Come on!! It's where Casino, Swingers and The Hangover took place. And Showgirls!! Any fun-seeking adult would want to go there even if it meant dragging their boring kids along. Atlantic City does not have the luxury of being in the middle of the desert. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of better places to take your children within 20 miles of AC. I'm all for cleaning up the city and making it a safer place to visit but people aren't taking their families there no matter how clean and safe it is. There are too many lovely shore towns close by that are better suited to host families. So I would suggest scrapping the family-oriented/amusement parks idea, Governor Christie. What I would suggest is to go in the exact opposite direction. Isn't the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"? Maybe that's the saying because families are having so much fun there that they don't want all the party animals and single people to know about it. However I'm gonna assume it's because there's a whole lot of sinning going on there. This is the perception AC should adopt. Atlantic City's reputation is already bad enough, might as well go with it. Let's make AC the Vegas of the east coast (minus the family-oriented part). Again, I'm all for cleaning up the streets and making the town a safer place. It's an absolutely necessary step if AC is ever going to be revitalized but let's focus on making it a place for adults, not families.
The steps I'm about to outline to make AC, the Vegas of the East, might not even be possible. I have no idea how difficult it would be to get some of these laws passed but I do believe that if they were, AC would benefit greatly from them. The first and most necessary step is to allow sports betting at Atlantic City casinos. There are very few places in the country where one can legally bet on sports. AC should absolutely be one of them. People will always bet on sports whether it's legal or not. Might as well get your hands on that money if you're AC and the New Jersey government. Let's cut the shit. It's going on everywhere around you. It's not THAT immoral. Plus, time's are tough. It's time to re-evaluate things we consider to be immoral or illegal and ask ourselves, "Are they really that immoral?" or "Should _____ really be illegal?" Apparently, back in 1993, NJ could have passed a law that would have allowed sports betting in the state but lawmakers voted against it. I don't know their reasons for doing so but if it was because they thought it was immoral then I'd tell them to see my argument above. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that everything was wonderful back in '93. There was no economic crisis because we were living off the bountiful teat of the internet and the housing market was flourishing. Well 17 years later, all that internet money has been spent, the housing market is in shambles and we're searching high and low for our next source of milk. Sports betting should be that source. There's no way AC can compete with the Pennsylvania casinos (their biggest competition), unless they offer something they don't have. From what I understand, none of the Pennsy casinos are so nice that they put AC casinos to shame. They're just much closer to a large source of Atlantic City's potential tourists. Offer those potential visitors something these Pennsy casinos don't have and that they want and they will come. They will come.
There's also an idea proposed by Senator Ray Lesniak. His proposed plans outline a few different ideas but what caught my attention was his idea of intra-state online gaming. You can read all about it by following the link above. There's some terminology I didn't understand in Hester's article but he lays out Lesniak's plans pretty clearly. Now that there's a committee to assess what's best for AC, I would hope they look into this online gaming thing. The profits look to be considerable. Also it sounds that it would put Atlantic City and New Jersey at the forefront of a major business possibility that other states have yet to embrace. We'll be kicking ourselves when Vegas and Nevada (or some other city and state) seize the opportunity first and cash in on it. The only people who seem to be opposed to it are the casino owners in AC because they feel like it would take away from their business. First of all, if they were able to offer sports betting, they might not oppose the idea as much because people would still only be able to place sports bets at their casino (and those degenerates would surely play table games and slots while there). Plus if all (or even just a portion of) the money from the online gaming went back into the city, then the casinos could stand to benefit from that. Hell, if the potential revenue from online gaming is that high, even give the casinos a lil cut of the profits. Just don't miss this boat.
My next thought for Atlantic City is a little more extreme. It starts off simple enough: Put strip clubs in casinos. I have no basis to know this will be successful other than the fact that I know men love breasts and I believe there are only a handful of strip clubs in AC. All of which are near one another. People who gamble tend to have addictive personalities (shocking, I know). Assuming this is true then, trust me, guys are gonna want to see T&A at some point and they'd preferably like to not stray too far from their precious table games to do so. There should even be a few strip clubs with male dancers for the ladies as well (you're welcome bitches). I know this would be successful. If just one casino tried it out, I guarentee it'd be hugely successful and all the casinos would want one in-house. Since we're talking about T&A, the second part of this idea (this is where I get a little nuts) is to legalize prostitution. Don't dismiss it too quickly. Remember I'm trying to go in the opposite direction of family-oriented and prostituion certainly is (perhaps on the path to hell but that;s neither here nor there). It's the oldest profession in the world and a lot of other countries embrace it. Nevada even does to an extent. Why not us? There's a few things people will always be willing to pay for no matter how tough time's are: alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, gambling and sex. That's the list. They are recession proof. I know we're a young and prude country but I think it's time we embraced prostitution as a legitimate occupation. Regulate the shit out of it if you want but it's time. Drastic times cause for drastic measures. Some places are so strapped for cash yet we have not utilized the world's oldest profession? Silliness. Once again let's get real, people are receiving cash for sex everyday. It's the cause of a lot of crime, particularly in Atlantic City. We try to stop them but we can't stop them all. Why not embrace and regulate it? It would eliminate all crime associated with it. We would be able to make sure those involved were disease-free. And I guarentee it would generate a ton of money, especially after the stigma of it wore off. I'm not saying it has to be legalized throughout the country. Just AC, the Vegas of the East, but better. The real Sin City. Just think about it. People would come from all over the country to experience Atlantic City.
If the prostitution idea is too much for you then just disregard that I said it (prude!). Everything else I suggested very well could help revitalize Atlantic City. I even have some milder quick fix ideas for Atlantic Avenue, the beach and Convention Center that could also help change the perception and generate some more revenue for the city. These ideas, along with those previously discussed, don't require a ton of financial backing...just a few tweaks of our laws and moral compass. Why not give them a shot? What do we have to lose?
I know these aren't the most conventional solutions to Atlantic City's problems but I think that's precisely what AC needs. Really I believe that unconventional solutions are ultimately going to be needed to solve most of the America's current problems. We can plug holes and put tape over the tears but the fact is the game has changed. In AC's case, more and more casinos have been opened in surrounding states that once condemned gambling. Many Americans are feeling financial strain due to the country's economic woes. Each year the country's (and world's) population grows and there are less legitimate jobs for these people to work. We need to start embracing new ideas (or old ideas that we haven't embraced yet). New Jersey is the most densely populated state. It has the 2nd largest casino market in the U.S. (based on revenue) and a lot of other great tourist attractions as well. It is smack-dab between New York City, Philadelphia, and Baltimore/Washington DC. With many people trying to save a buck however they can, especially when it comes to travel and vacationing, it's time to come up with innovative ideas to get people in Atlantic City. There is certainly still hope that AC can rebound from it's recent downturn and perhaps bounce back even stronger. I just hope those in charge do it the fun way.
The next part of his plan left me a little confused. He wants to turn Atlantic City into a family resort, like Las Vegas. Family resort? Vegas? Huh? I've never been to Vegas so maybe my perception of it is heavily skewed but I had no idea it was considered a family resort. After hearing all the stories of gambling and debauchery, never once did I hear someone say, "I can't wait to take the kids back there." I mean it's called Sin City for Christ's sake!! I'd really like to go to see for myself but I'll operate under the assumption that it is somewhat family-oriented for sake of argument. If it is, it has to be because it is in the middle of the fucking desert. There's nowhere else close enough for families to go to, but adults still want to go there because...it's Vegas! Come on!! It's where Casino, Swingers and The Hangover took place. And Showgirls!! Any fun-seeking adult would want to go there even if it meant dragging their boring kids along. Atlantic City does not have the luxury of being in the middle of the desert. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of better places to take your children within 20 miles of AC. I'm all for cleaning up the city and making it a safer place to visit but people aren't taking their families there no matter how clean and safe it is. There are too many lovely shore towns close by that are better suited to host families. So I would suggest scrapping the family-oriented/amusement parks idea, Governor Christie. What I would suggest is to go in the exact opposite direction. Isn't the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"? Maybe that's the saying because families are having so much fun there that they don't want all the party animals and single people to know about it. However I'm gonna assume it's because there's a whole lot of sinning going on there. This is the perception AC should adopt. Atlantic City's reputation is already bad enough, might as well go with it. Let's make AC the Vegas of the east coast (minus the family-oriented part). Again, I'm all for cleaning up the streets and making the town a safer place. It's an absolutely necessary step if AC is ever going to be revitalized but let's focus on making it a place for adults, not families.
The steps I'm about to outline to make AC, the Vegas of the East, might not even be possible. I have no idea how difficult it would be to get some of these laws passed but I do believe that if they were, AC would benefit greatly from them. The first and most necessary step is to allow sports betting at Atlantic City casinos. There are very few places in the country where one can legally bet on sports. AC should absolutely be one of them. People will always bet on sports whether it's legal or not. Might as well get your hands on that money if you're AC and the New Jersey government. Let's cut the shit. It's going on everywhere around you. It's not THAT immoral. Plus, time's are tough. It's time to re-evaluate things we consider to be immoral or illegal and ask ourselves, "Are they really that immoral?" or "Should _____ really be illegal?" Apparently, back in 1993, NJ could have passed a law that would have allowed sports betting in the state but lawmakers voted against it. I don't know their reasons for doing so but if it was because they thought it was immoral then I'd tell them to see my argument above. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that everything was wonderful back in '93. There was no economic crisis because we were living off the bountiful teat of the internet and the housing market was flourishing. Well 17 years later, all that internet money has been spent, the housing market is in shambles and we're searching high and low for our next source of milk. Sports betting should be that source. There's no way AC can compete with the Pennsylvania casinos (their biggest competition), unless they offer something they don't have. From what I understand, none of the Pennsy casinos are so nice that they put AC casinos to shame. They're just much closer to a large source of Atlantic City's potential tourists. Offer those potential visitors something these Pennsy casinos don't have and that they want and they will come. They will come.
There's also an idea proposed by Senator Ray Lesniak. His proposed plans outline a few different ideas but what caught my attention was his idea of intra-state online gaming. You can read all about it by following the link above. There's some terminology I didn't understand in Hester's article but he lays out Lesniak's plans pretty clearly. Now that there's a committee to assess what's best for AC, I would hope they look into this online gaming thing. The profits look to be considerable. Also it sounds that it would put Atlantic City and New Jersey at the forefront of a major business possibility that other states have yet to embrace. We'll be kicking ourselves when Vegas and Nevada (or some other city and state) seize the opportunity first and cash in on it. The only people who seem to be opposed to it are the casino owners in AC because they feel like it would take away from their business. First of all, if they were able to offer sports betting, they might not oppose the idea as much because people would still only be able to place sports bets at their casino (and those degenerates would surely play table games and slots while there). Plus if all (or even just a portion of) the money from the online gaming went back into the city, then the casinos could stand to benefit from that. Hell, if the potential revenue from online gaming is that high, even give the casinos a lil cut of the profits. Just don't miss this boat.
My next thought for Atlantic City is a little more extreme. It starts off simple enough: Put strip clubs in casinos. I have no basis to know this will be successful other than the fact that I know men love breasts and I believe there are only a handful of strip clubs in AC. All of which are near one another. People who gamble tend to have addictive personalities (shocking, I know). Assuming this is true then, trust me, guys are gonna want to see T&A at some point and they'd preferably like to not stray too far from their precious table games to do so. There should even be a few strip clubs with male dancers for the ladies as well (you're welcome bitches). I know this would be successful. If just one casino tried it out, I guarentee it'd be hugely successful and all the casinos would want one in-house. Since we're talking about T&A, the second part of this idea (this is where I get a little nuts) is to legalize prostitution. Don't dismiss it too quickly. Remember I'm trying to go in the opposite direction of family-oriented and prostituion certainly is (perhaps on the path to hell but that;s neither here nor there). It's the oldest profession in the world and a lot of other countries embrace it. Nevada even does to an extent. Why not us? There's a few things people will always be willing to pay for no matter how tough time's are: alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, gambling and sex. That's the list. They are recession proof. I know we're a young and prude country but I think it's time we embraced prostitution as a legitimate occupation. Regulate the shit out of it if you want but it's time. Drastic times cause for drastic measures. Some places are so strapped for cash yet we have not utilized the world's oldest profession? Silliness. Once again let's get real, people are receiving cash for sex everyday. It's the cause of a lot of crime, particularly in Atlantic City. We try to stop them but we can't stop them all. Why not embrace and regulate it? It would eliminate all crime associated with it. We would be able to make sure those involved were disease-free. And I guarentee it would generate a ton of money, especially after the stigma of it wore off. I'm not saying it has to be legalized throughout the country. Just AC, the Vegas of the East, but better. The real Sin City. Just think about it. People would come from all over the country to experience Atlantic City.
If the prostitution idea is too much for you then just disregard that I said it (prude!). Everything else I suggested very well could help revitalize Atlantic City. I even have some milder quick fix ideas for Atlantic Avenue, the beach and Convention Center that could also help change the perception and generate some more revenue for the city. These ideas, along with those previously discussed, don't require a ton of financial backing...just a few tweaks of our laws and moral compass. Why not give them a shot? What do we have to lose?
I know these aren't the most conventional solutions to Atlantic City's problems but I think that's precisely what AC needs. Really I believe that unconventional solutions are ultimately going to be needed to solve most of the America's current problems. We can plug holes and put tape over the tears but the fact is the game has changed. In AC's case, more and more casinos have been opened in surrounding states that once condemned gambling. Many Americans are feeling financial strain due to the country's economic woes. Each year the country's (and world's) population grows and there are less legitimate jobs for these people to work. We need to start embracing new ideas (or old ideas that we haven't embraced yet). New Jersey is the most densely populated state. It has the 2nd largest casino market in the U.S. (based on revenue) and a lot of other great tourist attractions as well. It is smack-dab between New York City, Philadelphia, and Baltimore/Washington DC. With many people trying to save a buck however they can, especially when it comes to travel and vacationing, it's time to come up with innovative ideas to get people in Atlantic City. There is certainly still hope that AC can rebound from it's recent downturn and perhaps bounce back even stronger. I just hope those in charge do it the fun way.
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