As I'm sure you've noticed from my posts, I'm not the best writer. I know I'm not terrible but I bet an English teacher could go to town on my posts with a red marker. So I'm going to take a moment to explain/apologize for some of my writing tendencies.
For starters, I'm a rambler. I feel like even the smallest details are imperative to a story and can't be left out. I apologize for this but just know that whatever you're reading was once longer and much harder to follow. I do my best to keep it short and sweet (or let's say not too long and ridiculous). I think I get this from my mother, who takes at least 20 minutes to tell any story, even the simplest one. More elaborate tales can take her hours, if not days, to complete. In addition to thinking every detail is important, I am also a scatterbrain. Any given aspect of a story can send me into another, completely different anecdote. I'll start off talking about an epic play I made in softball, the next thing you know I'm outlining the steps needed to be taken to help stimulate Atlantic City's economy in my opinion. I blame this partly on my mom again, who is also a scatterbrain but aren't all women? Mostly I blame drugs and alcohol. I believe they are responsible for the death and destruction of many brain cells that could have helped me concentrate on one topic at a time. If you're saying to yourself, "Well you're the one who decided to ingest those drugs and alcohol." then I'd say "Fuck you. I was peer pressured." And if you had the audacity to challenge that I'd scream, "SHUT UP!!!" and run home to the loving arms of my bong and crack open a beer to chase the shot of vodka and valium I just took. Just kidding (or am I?).
Which brings me to my next tendency: I love parenthesis. I use them alot. They're a great way to sneak in a funny one-liner or to clarify what I'm really saying without interrupting the flow too much. I want to use them a lot more than I actually do but I try to exercise some restraint. Again I love using them and will not apologize for doing so.
I use informal words and phrases a lot. This is a direct result of the demise of the English language. I know this has been going on for quite some time but I believe it has gotten increasingly worse over the last 10 years or so. I first noted it in the 90's when people started using antonyms of words as synonyms (ie. something that was "bad" could mean good, something "sick" could be awesome, etc). Then came the "izzle" phenomenon. I'm still not sure how that works. Nowadays I feel that everything is abbreviated. This has to be a result of the rise of technology, mainly text messaging and instant messaging. There are countless examples of this and I like it for the most part, even though I usually have no idea what these abbreviations mean when I first see them. However you will not see me do that on here too much without an explanation. Mainly you'll see me use words like "gonna" or "wanna". I'm a big fan of "Ima" instead of "I'm going to". I'll probably correct most of this during the proofreading process but if some things slip by me, I hope you squares can forgive me.
I seem to have some problems with tense, quotations and run-on sentences. Tense is kind of a big deal. I'll be telling a story in the past tense and suddenly change to present tense. Or vice versa. Sometimes in mid-sentence. I try to fix this after proofreading but I don't even notice it most of the time. I hope you don't either or can just power through my dimwittedness. I don't think quotations are a big deal. I get the point across with or without them. I just wish I could use them correctly all the time. I suspect that I will get better at using them the more I write (did you catch that stellar quotation above? Fun, right? And this is only my 3rd post). My run-on sentences are almost always corrected during the proofreading process but sometimes I miss them and they are long & fantastic. I hope you get to experience some of them.
If you see any other kind of grammar mistake, feel free to leave a comment and chastise me mercilessly for my dumb errors. It's the only way I'll learn.
Perhaps the main reason for these deficiencies is because during my 12 years at Catholic school, I only had to write two or three serious papers (5+ pages). Most of the papers I had to write were only 2-3 pages and they were few and far between. When I did have to write one, I'd just give it to my parents to proofread and fix all the retarded grammar mistakes. They would usually end up just writing a whole new paper for me and I would look like a genius when it came time for my teacher to grade it. I was devastated when I got to college and found out I had to write papers all the time. It forced me to make smart, nerdy friends and search the internet for non-porn material (which was infuriating). Sometime between my first year and graduation I got not terrible at writing but since graduation I've lost the majority of my mediocre writing skills. So that is the gist of why I stink at writing. Wow. That explanation was only supposed to be a paragraph and look how long this entry is. See? Rambler.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Done With Young Chicks
Yep, you read it correctly. I am finished attempting to hook up with chicks 5+ years younger than me. Is that drastic enough? I don't want to exclude too many women. Side note: This exclusion is definitely subject to change the older (more desperate) I get. I'm 27 years old now so that encompasses chicks between the ages of 18-22. Now I know a lot of people will say I'm crazy for doing such a thing because this is typically when females are in their physical prime. I'm not saying I wouldn't hook up with a girl between these ages. Lord knows I would. I'm just not making the effort anymore. They might be at their peak physically but they are nowhere close to their mental or social zenith. And quite frankly it's become fucking frustrating. Here's what happened to make me feel this way:
It was a Friday night and I was particularly in the mood to go out, get heavily intoxicated and hunt for some muff. I hadn't gotten really drunk in a while (maybe a week or two) and was mildly desperate to get laid (I'd rather not reveal how long it had been). When my buddy Tic texted me at 6:30 PM to let me know that the plan was to pregame at his place then head into Philly, I didn't think much of it. That's a fairly typical plan of attack. However he also mentioned that a lady friend of his would be joining us and that she may be bringing a friend or two. I was elated. This could significantly increase my odds of getting laid. The more friends she brought, the better my odds were.
When I got to his place to find zero girls and five of my friends, I was not discouraged. It was still early. We started playing games that involved drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I asked Tic how many girls were coming over. He said 4. I asked how old they were. He said 21. I started to get a little more excited. When I asked my friends which of them were coming out, only Tic and my cousin DPZ (who is in a relationship) said they were. I was even more inspired. My odds of getting some poon just skyrocketed. When the four ladies arrived and I saw that all of them ranged from borderline attractive to extremely attractive, I was giddy. Tic attempted to introduce all of them to us and vice versa but that's a difficult task to pull off. After that he started giving them a little tour of his place. While he did this I removed myself from the game we were playing to do something (nothing) on my phone in order to be available for individual introductions. This quickly paid off when Tic asked if I wanted to play a game with the newcomers. I casually accepted and was introduced to the following young ladies (I would love to use real names but quite frankly I don't remember them at all): Gladys- the one Tic knows and wants to hook up with, attractive and soft spoken with wonderful-looking breasts. Mildred- the hottest of the 4, a cross between Amy Smart and Scarlett Johansson minus the bodacious bod. Her body was just really nice. Blanche- brunette, thin and very outgoing. The least attractive of the 4 but certainly not ugly. And Gertrude- right behind Mildred in attractiveness, resembles porn star Jenna Haze (her friends' comparison, not mine. Though I saw the resemblance immediately).
We all get along right away and start playing a game that involves giving out X amount of seconds to drink, an excellent way to flirt and get those you're flirting with drunk beyond rational thought. Mildred takes herself out of the "Get banged by Kev" running by saying, "My boyfriend..." I immediately tuned her out after that so I can't tell you what she said but it doesn't matter. She's dead to me. A tragic loss. And then there were two, Blanche and Gertrude. Blanche emerged as the early favorite with her outgoing personality, flirty conversation and eye humping of me. But Gertrude hung in there with her killer good looks and equally flirty dialogue. Example: As we're both standing by some snacks Tic put out she says to me, "These pretzels are really good." See what I mean? She was pretty much all over me. I responded, "Yeh, they are" and it was on. We continued playing games and I divided any drinking time that I got to give out between Blanche and Gerty. I call it "lubing up the gears of fornication". We all start getting drunker, feeling more comfortable with each other, taking pictures, laughing and just having a darn good time when we decide it's time to go out.
We take two cars, guys and girls riding seperately. The girls follow us and we lose them at some point on the journey. No biggie. Gladys texts Tic to say they know where they are going and they'll see us there. She also mentions that they are gonna smoke some ganja in their car when they get there. I'm noting this because this is the climax of the night for me: I'm having a lovely time with my friends and four, attractive 21 year olds who smoke pot. I'm in heaven. Tic and DPZ don't smoke so they decline and I do as well because I don't know how far behind they are and don't necessarily need to smoke pot with girls I just met (I don't have the best track record in those situations). But I'm hoping to do so later. Of course, things go down hill shortly after that.
We get to the bar first. I'm on cloud 9 at this point and pay the cover charge for all three of us and buy the first round. Tic, DPZ and I are scoping out the bar when the girls come in. They tell us to head upstairs with them to get a drink. I run to the bathroom real quick and meet everyone up there. When I get there and see that the girls don't have drinks yet and Tic & DPZ need refills, I offer to buy another round of drinks. They eagerly accept my offer. Buying one drink in the city can be costly. Buying 7 drinks is VERY costly but I didn't care. Money means nothing on cloud 9. I must have been pretty fucking drunk at this point because this is when details start to get a little fuzzy. I remember being upstairs for a little bit (not even a whole drink), then the girls going downstairs and us following them down shortly after. Next thing I know we get downstairs and they are talking to another group of guys. One of these tools happens to be Ville Leino, a hockey player for the Philadelphia Flyers for those who don't know (this handsome devil). So I guess Ville and his friends were better looking or had more money or more interesting shit to say because these girls were done talking to us. They spent the rest of the night talking to these douchebags instead. Again I was hammered at this point so it might not have been that long but it was long enough where we had to regroup and formulate a new plan of action. I could not be a part of this process. I was furious and shitfaced. I had to figure out how I, personally, was going to handle the situation. I came up with 3 options: 1) Overlook the fact that these girls just ditched us to talk to Ville & Co., continue to hang around the girls anyway and dominate the conversation with aggressive, borderline offensive ridicule, 2) Forget about these girls, start at square 1 and look for other girls to hit on, or 3) Continue to drink my face off and drown my frustrations with massive amounts of alcohol. Which do you think I chose? Survey says...option #3. There was a time in my life when I would have absolutely chosen option #1 but that would have probably resulted in a fight and I'm a lover these days, not a fighter. If I wasn't already smashed and capable of having a conversation with strangers, I would have went with option #2 (plus it was a sausagefest at this bar). But alas, I was drunk and angry so option #3 seemed most appealing. I spent the remainder of the night drinking heavily, looking at other people in disgust and making fun of anyone I laid eyes on. When we decided it was time to leave, I proceeded to tell Tic and DPZ how I thought those girls were c-words. Ah fuck it! This is my blog which no one will probably read so I'll just say it. It's just a word. I called them cunts. Stupid, immature cunts. I called them Cunty McCunts from Cuntstown. Repeatedly. It was the only healthy way to express my anger and frustration at that point. I have no recollection of the rest of the night. Apparently we went to another bar. The next thing I knew it's 2:00 PM on Saturday and I'm in my bed, fully clothed (including shoes) with a monumental hangover.
I know this isn't a terribly fucked up story that should cause me to arrive at such a drastic conclusion but I've had enough. When it comes to dealing with chicks this age, they seem to be more trouble then they're worth, in my opinion. There is a social etiquette women should follow at bars: If you agree to accept a drink from a guy, you are expected to at least talk to that guy for a little bit. Older chicks get this. Younger chicks don't. These girls did not get it, on top of the fact that they pregamed with us for a couple hours before we even got to the bar and had a good time! And they barely talked to us at the bar!! Aaaaaaaah it frustrates me!!! I hate getting played by stupid, immature GIRLS. That is why I'm done treating them the same way I treat the women. No more free drinks or witty banter for you, young bitches. You'll get none of it anymore. Your loss too because I used to love spending my money and sexual energy pleasing you. Now all that cash and animal love will go to chicks my age. And cougars.
It was a Friday night and I was particularly in the mood to go out, get heavily intoxicated and hunt for some muff. I hadn't gotten really drunk in a while (maybe a week or two) and was mildly desperate to get laid (I'd rather not reveal how long it had been). When my buddy Tic texted me at 6:30 PM to let me know that the plan was to pregame at his place then head into Philly, I didn't think much of it. That's a fairly typical plan of attack. However he also mentioned that a lady friend of his would be joining us and that she may be bringing a friend or two. I was elated. This could significantly increase my odds of getting laid. The more friends she brought, the better my odds were.
When I got to his place to find zero girls and five of my friends, I was not discouraged. It was still early. We started playing games that involved drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I asked Tic how many girls were coming over. He said 4. I asked how old they were. He said 21. I started to get a little more excited. When I asked my friends which of them were coming out, only Tic and my cousin DPZ (who is in a relationship) said they were. I was even more inspired. My odds of getting some poon just skyrocketed. When the four ladies arrived and I saw that all of them ranged from borderline attractive to extremely attractive, I was giddy. Tic attempted to introduce all of them to us and vice versa but that's a difficult task to pull off. After that he started giving them a little tour of his place. While he did this I removed myself from the game we were playing to do something (nothing) on my phone in order to be available for individual introductions. This quickly paid off when Tic asked if I wanted to play a game with the newcomers. I casually accepted and was introduced to the following young ladies (I would love to use real names but quite frankly I don't remember them at all): Gladys- the one Tic knows and wants to hook up with, attractive and soft spoken with wonderful-looking breasts. Mildred- the hottest of the 4, a cross between Amy Smart and Scarlett Johansson minus the bodacious bod. Her body was just really nice. Blanche- brunette, thin and very outgoing. The least attractive of the 4 but certainly not ugly. And Gertrude- right behind Mildred in attractiveness, resembles porn star Jenna Haze (her friends' comparison, not mine. Though I saw the resemblance immediately).
We all get along right away and start playing a game that involves giving out X amount of seconds to drink, an excellent way to flirt and get those you're flirting with drunk beyond rational thought. Mildred takes herself out of the "Get banged by Kev" running by saying, "My boyfriend..." I immediately tuned her out after that so I can't tell you what she said but it doesn't matter. She's dead to me. A tragic loss. And then there were two, Blanche and Gertrude. Blanche emerged as the early favorite with her outgoing personality, flirty conversation and eye humping of me. But Gertrude hung in there with her killer good looks and equally flirty dialogue. Example: As we're both standing by some snacks Tic put out she says to me, "These pretzels are really good." See what I mean? She was pretty much all over me. I responded, "Yeh, they are" and it was on. We continued playing games and I divided any drinking time that I got to give out between Blanche and Gerty. I call it "lubing up the gears of fornication". We all start getting drunker, feeling more comfortable with each other, taking pictures, laughing and just having a darn good time when we decide it's time to go out.
We take two cars, guys and girls riding seperately. The girls follow us and we lose them at some point on the journey. No biggie. Gladys texts Tic to say they know where they are going and they'll see us there. She also mentions that they are gonna smoke some ganja in their car when they get there. I'm noting this because this is the climax of the night for me: I'm having a lovely time with my friends and four, attractive 21 year olds who smoke pot. I'm in heaven. Tic and DPZ don't smoke so they decline and I do as well because I don't know how far behind they are and don't necessarily need to smoke pot with girls I just met (I don't have the best track record in those situations). But I'm hoping to do so later. Of course, things go down hill shortly after that.
We get to the bar first. I'm on cloud 9 at this point and pay the cover charge for all three of us and buy the first round. Tic, DPZ and I are scoping out the bar when the girls come in. They tell us to head upstairs with them to get a drink. I run to the bathroom real quick and meet everyone up there. When I get there and see that the girls don't have drinks yet and Tic & DPZ need refills, I offer to buy another round of drinks. They eagerly accept my offer. Buying one drink in the city can be costly. Buying 7 drinks is VERY costly but I didn't care. Money means nothing on cloud 9. I must have been pretty fucking drunk at this point because this is when details start to get a little fuzzy. I remember being upstairs for a little bit (not even a whole drink), then the girls going downstairs and us following them down shortly after. Next thing I know we get downstairs and they are talking to another group of guys. One of these tools happens to be Ville Leino, a hockey player for the Philadelphia Flyers for those who don't know (this handsome devil). So I guess Ville and his friends were better looking or had more money or more interesting shit to say because these girls were done talking to us. They spent the rest of the night talking to these douchebags instead. Again I was hammered at this point so it might not have been that long but it was long enough where we had to regroup and formulate a new plan of action. I could not be a part of this process. I was furious and shitfaced. I had to figure out how I, personally, was going to handle the situation. I came up with 3 options: 1) Overlook the fact that these girls just ditched us to talk to Ville & Co., continue to hang around the girls anyway and dominate the conversation with aggressive, borderline offensive ridicule, 2) Forget about these girls, start at square 1 and look for other girls to hit on, or 3) Continue to drink my face off and drown my frustrations with massive amounts of alcohol. Which do you think I chose? Survey says...option #3. There was a time in my life when I would have absolutely chosen option #1 but that would have probably resulted in a fight and I'm a lover these days, not a fighter. If I wasn't already smashed and capable of having a conversation with strangers, I would have went with option #2 (plus it was a sausagefest at this bar). But alas, I was drunk and angry so option #3 seemed most appealing. I spent the remainder of the night drinking heavily, looking at other people in disgust and making fun of anyone I laid eyes on. When we decided it was time to leave, I proceeded to tell Tic and DPZ how I thought those girls were c-words. Ah fuck it! This is my blog which no one will probably read so I'll just say it. It's just a word. I called them cunts. Stupid, immature cunts. I called them Cunty McCunts from Cuntstown. Repeatedly. It was the only healthy way to express my anger and frustration at that point. I have no recollection of the rest of the night. Apparently we went to another bar. The next thing I knew it's 2:00 PM on Saturday and I'm in my bed, fully clothed (including shoes) with a monumental hangover.
I know this isn't a terribly fucked up story that should cause me to arrive at such a drastic conclusion but I've had enough. When it comes to dealing with chicks this age, they seem to be more trouble then they're worth, in my opinion. There is a social etiquette women should follow at bars: If you agree to accept a drink from a guy, you are expected to at least talk to that guy for a little bit. Older chicks get this. Younger chicks don't. These girls did not get it, on top of the fact that they pregamed with us for a couple hours before we even got to the bar and had a good time! And they barely talked to us at the bar!! Aaaaaaaah it frustrates me!!! I hate getting played by stupid, immature GIRLS. That is why I'm done treating them the same way I treat the women. No more free drinks or witty banter for you, young bitches. You'll get none of it anymore. Your loss too because I used to love spending my money and sexual energy pleasing you. Now all that cash and animal love will go to chicks my age. And cougars.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Hey Me, It's You
Hi. I don't know why but I feel like I have to start off by saying hello and explain why I am starting this blog. There was a time when I would have beaten myself up for blogging but now I'm older, blogs don't seem as dorky and I need an avenue to express the things on my mind. My other outlets include facebook, twitter and an email chain that I was on with 12-15 of my friends. I see facebook as just a place to make people laugh. I don't want to be someone who uses it as a soapbox for their various ramblings. Plus I'm friends with quite a few people who's situation I am unfamiliar with and I don't want to offend anyone. Twitter's great because no one really follows me so I can speak my mind but 140 characters just isn't cutting it for this opinionated windbag. The email chain was great as well. My friends and I started it after high school as a way to keep in touch since we were all going to different colleges. After that it became an excellent distraction from our jobs since most of us are at a desk all day. We have all been good friends for so long that this was an excellent place to talk about anything topical, say whatever you want and not have to worry about offending anyone, and bust each other's balls. That was until I was no longer able to decipher people's tone (sidenote: we have reached a high level of ball busting and at times it can get out of hand). I was a communication major in college and know these guys very well so I should be able to tell when they're joking but tone is tough to pick up on in written word, especially in serious conversations about sports and uh, sports. Long story short, ball busting coupled with misinterpretation led to one too many arguments and I just had enough. I wasn't gonna risk hurting anyone of my friendships because I can't tell when someone's being serious or not and am a hothead. I asked to be taken off the chain and am now left with my thoughts and opinions that I need to channel. Hence, the blog.
I have no idea what I'm going to write about or if I'm even going to tell anyone that I have a blog. There's a good chance no one will ever see this. So really all that I write about might just be for me. Hence, the title of this bad boy. If you happen to stumble upon this, random reader, enjoy! (if there's anything even written after this)
I have no idea what I'm going to write about or if I'm even going to tell anyone that I have a blog. There's a good chance no one will ever see this. So really all that I write about might just be for me. Hence, the title of this bad boy. If you happen to stumble upon this, random reader, enjoy! (if there's anything even written after this)
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