I really didn't want to write this. I was hoping that most people knew how to ride an elevator and that I was just being negative/cynical but once again the general public has failed me. The following interaction happened the other day, which prompted me to write this post: I'm on the elevator, it gets to my floor, the doors open and I step forward to get off. As I'm doing this, some douchebag gets on the elevator as soon as the doors open up, before I can exit the car (or cab or whatever it's called) and bumps into me without apologizing, which leads to the following exchange:
Me: What is this your first time on an elevator?
Douche: What?
Me: You're supposed to wait before getting on an elevator to see if people are getting off first.
Douche: Sorry. What are you the elevator police?
Me: Yeh I am, douchebag. Have a fun ride. I hope the cables snap.
(Doors close)
It was perfect. People have gotten in my way while exiting an elevator before but I never said anything. I must have been in a bad mood or something that day because I gave this guy the business. I felt kinda bad about my "I hope the cables snap" comment but come on...elevator police? What a tool. Besides this guy broke the cardinal rule of elevator riding: When your elevator arrives, wait one second before boarding to see if anyone already riding in the cab is getting out first. It's not hard. There's no need to rush on. It's not a fun ride. It's not gonna leave without you. If the doors start to shut, you can just put your hand or foot in between them to trigger the censor. You will not be crushed by them. Everything will be fine. Just chill the fuck out for 1 sec and make sure no one is getting out of the cab before you get on. I thought this was common knowledge but now I'm not so sure.
You see, I work in a building with 19 floors. Well, 17 really. There's no 13th floor (typical) and no 9th floor. I have no idea why there's no 9th floor. I've asked multiple people and no one knows why. Feel free to share any theories with me. Anyway, I work on the 7th floor, so I ride the elevator often. I try to use the steps as often as possible (for exercise and to avoid the smelly elevator crowd) but I'm lazy sometimes and don't always feel like using my legs. In addition to 4 seperate elevators, my building also has escalators running up and down to as high as the 4th floor. For starters I can't tell you how annoyed I get when people use the elevator to get to floors 2 through 4. I always wanna say to them, "You know there's an escalator that can take you there, right?" but the escalators do break down fairly often so I keep my big mouth shut and scream profanities at them in my head instead (even though, as Mitch Hedberg once pointed out, escalators can never really break). So my next piece of advice is: If you're only going up/down 2-3 floors and you have the ability to walk up stairs...take the fucking stairs. You could use the exercise anyway, you lazy tub of lard. If the building has escalators, then use them. They're even less work then stairs, plus you won't have to worry about riding in your potential coffin to your floor. If you choice not to heed my advice then I hope you ride that elevator straight to hell.
When you are going 3+ floors and decide to ride the elevator, don't be a weirdo. It's usually awkward enough when you're in an elevator with strangers, especially when there's no music (or muzak). You're in a confined space, with people you don't know, standing in silence for what seems like forever. Don't make it worse. For starters, face forward. Don't stand facing sideways, staring directly at other people on the elevator. It just makes it more uncomfortable for everyone on board. And certainly don't stand with your back to the doors. Only a psychopath would do this. Even if you are in fact a psychopath, don't do this. You don't want others to know you're a psycho until you're about to strike anyway. So if you are a nut job and are about to go buck nutty on someone, then stand with your back to the doors. Otherwise, again, please face forward. If you are ever on an elevator with someone who has their back to the doors or is even facing sideways and staring at you...punch them. Punch them right in the face. Assume they read this post and attack them before they can attack you. It's for your own safety.
Here's another thing I shouldn't have to write: When in an elevator, be aware of the people and space around you. If you're standing in front and someone else gets on, move to the back if there's space. Don't be a dick and just stand there so they're crammed between you and the doors, or make them squeeze pass you to get to the open space. Move back. If your floor comes before there's, just politely say "excuse me", they'll adjust and you'll get off. If you're in the front of a packed elevator and you come to a floor that isn't your's but someone else on the elevator is trying to get off, then step off the elevator and let them get out. You don't have to invade anyone's personal space in order to let them out. Again, the cab won't leave without you. Just hop off for a sec, let them exit the elevator, hop back in the cab and resume riding. (Note: you don't actually have to hop like a bunny. Walking is fine.) Also, if you are in an elevator that was once crowded but is no longer, you're allowed to move around the cab so you're not too close to someone. Don't be a creeper and stand on top of someone or directly behind them when there's no one else in there. Most people understand this and naturally adjust but some socially retarded individuals do not. These people should not be allowed to reproduce.
Next, if you're in an awkward elevator situation, do not, I repeat, DO NOT engage others in conversation. No one wants to have to talk to you just because you feel uncomfortable. 95% of these types of conversations are about the weather and people are probably sick and tired of talking about the weather. Unless you have something incredibly witty or profound to say (and trust me, you don't) then keep your trap zipped. It's not like you're flying somewhere and you're gonna be sitting next to this person for hours and it's somewhat coincidental that you're both at that place and time, going to the same destination. No. You're on an elevator. You'll only be on there for a handful of seconds. Resist the urge to say something dumb. The only possible circumstance where it MAY be ok to say something is if someone else in the elevator is being extremely douchey (facing backwards, talking on their phone about something obnoxious, smells really bad, etc.). When they get off it's fine to say something like "Well that was the most annoying 10 seconds of my day" or "Sheesh that guy really stunk" to other people on the elevator. But that's it. No unnecessary banter. Just stand there, look down at the ground or at your phone, and keep your pie hole shut.
One last thing: Elevator buttons do not sense urgency. They should, I know, but we have not reached that level of technology yet. So when you're waiting for the elevator to arrive, if the button for the direction in which you are going is already pressed, there's no need to press it again. If you've been waiting for a while, pressing it 3-27 times in a row will NOT make it get there any faster. Just calm down and continue to wait patiently. If you're in that much of a hurry then run up/down the stairs. Don't be a nitwit and press the button a bunch of times like you have special powers. You don't. You're just an idiot.
These are the unwritten rules of elevator etiquette. Well now they've been written, so abide by them or else suffer the consequences. The punishment for breaking any of these rules should be a beating with a bag of oranges. Multiple bags of not-quite-ripe-yet oranges. But if you don't have a bag of oranges handy and someone breaks one of these rules, it's ok to use your fists. If you get in trouble for implementing Elevator Law then just mention my name, reference this post and I'm sure the charges will be dropped. If you have any other rules to add, feel free to comment.
PS A quick word about riding escalators (and moving walkways as well): They are not rides either. If you're gonna be a lazy piece of shit and just stand there, then do what they do in England: stay to the right. Leave the left side open for us non-idiots who like to walk them (and pretend that we're super walkers). If you get in the way then, just like in England, we are allowed to run you over. Hopefully you get hurt on the sharp steps and/or your fingers get caught in the machine at the end.
PPS I'm mean.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
My Plan to Revitalize Atlantic City
Atlantic City is in trouble. It's been well documented. Month after month, revenue is down and more casinos are opening in the surrounding areas. Over the summer, Governor Chris Christie unveiled his plan for the state to partially take over AC to try to fix their problems and re-energize the city. Personally I was excited to hear his plan. I didn't vote for the man, so to see him take on a project to help a place that's near and dear to my heart was a pleasant surprise. The main aspect of his plan that made me happy was that all the revenue generated from AC would stay in AC (CRDA revenue that is). As Christie said, North Jersey has disproportionately benefited from the money generated in AC for too long. Now that AC is struggling, no more casino money. I'm not going to pretend I know why a portion of these revenues went up North in the first place. I'm sure there was some good (or bad) reason. I just like hearing that they won't be going up there anymore. I dislike North Jersey and always suspected that they benefited unfairly from AC and our beautiful beaches down here in the South (I reckon!). Now Christie was confirming my suspicion about AC and putting an end to it.
The next part of his plan left me a little confused. He wants to turn Atlantic City into a family resort, like Las Vegas. Family resort? Vegas? Huh? I've never been to Vegas so maybe my perception of it is heavily skewed but I had no idea it was considered a family resort. After hearing all the stories of gambling and debauchery, never once did I hear someone say, "I can't wait to take the kids back there." I mean it's called Sin City for Christ's sake!! I'd really like to go to see for myself but I'll operate under the assumption that it is somewhat family-oriented for sake of argument. If it is, it has to be because it is in the middle of the fucking desert. There's nowhere else close enough for families to go to, but adults still want to go there because...it's Vegas! Come on!! It's where Casino, Swingers and The Hangover took place. And Showgirls!! Any fun-seeking adult would want to go there even if it meant dragging their boring kids along. Atlantic City does not have the luxury of being in the middle of the desert. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of better places to take your children within 20 miles of AC. I'm all for cleaning up the city and making it a safer place to visit but people aren't taking their families there no matter how clean and safe it is. There are too many lovely shore towns close by that are better suited to host families. So I would suggest scrapping the family-oriented/amusement parks idea, Governor Christie. What I would suggest is to go in the exact opposite direction. Isn't the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"? Maybe that's the saying because families are having so much fun there that they don't want all the party animals and single people to know about it. However I'm gonna assume it's because there's a whole lot of sinning going on there. This is the perception AC should adopt. Atlantic City's reputation is already bad enough, might as well go with it. Let's make AC the Vegas of the east coast (minus the family-oriented part). Again, I'm all for cleaning up the streets and making the town a safer place. It's an absolutely necessary step if AC is ever going to be revitalized but let's focus on making it a place for adults, not families.
The steps I'm about to outline to make AC, the Vegas of the East, might not even be possible. I have no idea how difficult it would be to get some of these laws passed but I do believe that if they were, AC would benefit greatly from them. The first and most necessary step is to allow sports betting at Atlantic City casinos. There are very few places in the country where one can legally bet on sports. AC should absolutely be one of them. People will always bet on sports whether it's legal or not. Might as well get your hands on that money if you're AC and the New Jersey government. Let's cut the shit. It's going on everywhere around you. It's not THAT immoral. Plus, time's are tough. It's time to re-evaluate things we consider to be immoral or illegal and ask ourselves, "Are they really that immoral?" or "Should _____ really be illegal?" Apparently, back in 1993, NJ could have passed a law that would have allowed sports betting in the state but lawmakers voted against it. I don't know their reasons for doing so but if it was because they thought it was immoral then I'd tell them to see my argument above. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that everything was wonderful back in '93. There was no economic crisis because we were living off the bountiful teat of the internet and the housing market was flourishing. Well 17 years later, all that internet money has been spent, the housing market is in shambles and we're searching high and low for our next source of milk. Sports betting should be that source. There's no way AC can compete with the Pennsylvania casinos (their biggest competition), unless they offer something they don't have. From what I understand, none of the Pennsy casinos are so nice that they put AC casinos to shame. They're just much closer to a large source of Atlantic City's potential tourists. Offer those potential visitors something these Pennsy casinos don't have and that they want and they will come. They will come.
There's also an idea proposed by Senator Ray Lesniak. His proposed plans outline a few different ideas but what caught my attention was his idea of intra-state online gaming. You can read all about it by following the link above. There's some terminology I didn't understand in Hester's article but he lays out Lesniak's plans pretty clearly. Now that there's a committee to assess what's best for AC, I would hope they look into this online gaming thing. The profits look to be considerable. Also it sounds that it would put Atlantic City and New Jersey at the forefront of a major business possibility that other states have yet to embrace. We'll be kicking ourselves when Vegas and Nevada (or some other city and state) seize the opportunity first and cash in on it. The only people who seem to be opposed to it are the casino owners in AC because they feel like it would take away from their business. First of all, if they were able to offer sports betting, they might not oppose the idea as much because people would still only be able to place sports bets at their casino (and those degenerates would surely play table games and slots while there). Plus if all (or even just a portion of) the money from the online gaming went back into the city, then the casinos could stand to benefit from that. Hell, if the potential revenue from online gaming is that high, even give the casinos a lil cut of the profits. Just don't miss this boat.
My next thought for Atlantic City is a little more extreme. It starts off simple enough: Put strip clubs in casinos. I have no basis to know this will be successful other than the fact that I know men love breasts and I believe there are only a handful of strip clubs in AC. All of which are near one another. People who gamble tend to have addictive personalities (shocking, I know). Assuming this is true then, trust me, guys are gonna want to see T&A at some point and they'd preferably like to not stray too far from their precious table games to do so. There should even be a few strip clubs with male dancers for the ladies as well (you're welcome bitches). I know this would be successful. If just one casino tried it out, I guarentee it'd be hugely successful and all the casinos would want one in-house. Since we're talking about T&A, the second part of this idea (this is where I get a little nuts) is to legalize prostitution. Don't dismiss it too quickly. Remember I'm trying to go in the opposite direction of family-oriented and prostituion certainly is (perhaps on the path to hell but that;s neither here nor there). It's the oldest profession in the world and a lot of other countries embrace it. Nevada even does to an extent. Why not us? There's a few things people will always be willing to pay for no matter how tough time's are: alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, gambling and sex. That's the list. They are recession proof. I know we're a young and prude country but I think it's time we embraced prostitution as a legitimate occupation. Regulate the shit out of it if you want but it's time. Drastic times cause for drastic measures. Some places are so strapped for cash yet we have not utilized the world's oldest profession? Silliness. Once again let's get real, people are receiving cash for sex everyday. It's the cause of a lot of crime, particularly in Atlantic City. We try to stop them but we can't stop them all. Why not embrace and regulate it? It would eliminate all crime associated with it. We would be able to make sure those involved were disease-free. And I guarentee it would generate a ton of money, especially after the stigma of it wore off. I'm not saying it has to be legalized throughout the country. Just AC, the Vegas of the East, but better. The real Sin City. Just think about it. People would come from all over the country to experience Atlantic City.
If the prostitution idea is too much for you then just disregard that I said it (prude!). Everything else I suggested very well could help revitalize Atlantic City. I even have some milder quick fix ideas for Atlantic Avenue, the beach and Convention Center that could also help change the perception and generate some more revenue for the city. These ideas, along with those previously discussed, don't require a ton of financial backing...just a few tweaks of our laws and moral compass. Why not give them a shot? What do we have to lose?
I know these aren't the most conventional solutions to Atlantic City's problems but I think that's precisely what AC needs. Really I believe that unconventional solutions are ultimately going to be needed to solve most of the America's current problems. We can plug holes and put tape over the tears but the fact is the game has changed. In AC's case, more and more casinos have been opened in surrounding states that once condemned gambling. Many Americans are feeling financial strain due to the country's economic woes. Each year the country's (and world's) population grows and there are less legitimate jobs for these people to work. We need to start embracing new ideas (or old ideas that we haven't embraced yet). New Jersey is the most densely populated state. It has the 2nd largest casino market in the U.S. (based on revenue) and a lot of other great tourist attractions as well. It is smack-dab between New York City, Philadelphia, and Baltimore/Washington DC. With many people trying to save a buck however they can, especially when it comes to travel and vacationing, it's time to come up with innovative ideas to get people in Atlantic City. There is certainly still hope that AC can rebound from it's recent downturn and perhaps bounce back even stronger. I just hope those in charge do it the fun way.
The next part of his plan left me a little confused. He wants to turn Atlantic City into a family resort, like Las Vegas. Family resort? Vegas? Huh? I've never been to Vegas so maybe my perception of it is heavily skewed but I had no idea it was considered a family resort. After hearing all the stories of gambling and debauchery, never once did I hear someone say, "I can't wait to take the kids back there." I mean it's called Sin City for Christ's sake!! I'd really like to go to see for myself but I'll operate under the assumption that it is somewhat family-oriented for sake of argument. If it is, it has to be because it is in the middle of the fucking desert. There's nowhere else close enough for families to go to, but adults still want to go there because...it's Vegas! Come on!! It's where Casino, Swingers and The Hangover took place. And Showgirls!! Any fun-seeking adult would want to go there even if it meant dragging their boring kids along. Atlantic City does not have the luxury of being in the middle of the desert. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of better places to take your children within 20 miles of AC. I'm all for cleaning up the city and making it a safer place to visit but people aren't taking their families there no matter how clean and safe it is. There are too many lovely shore towns close by that are better suited to host families. So I would suggest scrapping the family-oriented/amusement parks idea, Governor Christie. What I would suggest is to go in the exact opposite direction. Isn't the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"? Maybe that's the saying because families are having so much fun there that they don't want all the party animals and single people to know about it. However I'm gonna assume it's because there's a whole lot of sinning going on there. This is the perception AC should adopt. Atlantic City's reputation is already bad enough, might as well go with it. Let's make AC the Vegas of the east coast (minus the family-oriented part). Again, I'm all for cleaning up the streets and making the town a safer place. It's an absolutely necessary step if AC is ever going to be revitalized but let's focus on making it a place for adults, not families.
The steps I'm about to outline to make AC, the Vegas of the East, might not even be possible. I have no idea how difficult it would be to get some of these laws passed but I do believe that if they were, AC would benefit greatly from them. The first and most necessary step is to allow sports betting at Atlantic City casinos. There are very few places in the country where one can legally bet on sports. AC should absolutely be one of them. People will always bet on sports whether it's legal or not. Might as well get your hands on that money if you're AC and the New Jersey government. Let's cut the shit. It's going on everywhere around you. It's not THAT immoral. Plus, time's are tough. It's time to re-evaluate things we consider to be immoral or illegal and ask ourselves, "Are they really that immoral?" or "Should _____ really be illegal?" Apparently, back in 1993, NJ could have passed a law that would have allowed sports betting in the state but lawmakers voted against it. I don't know their reasons for doing so but if it was because they thought it was immoral then I'd tell them to see my argument above. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that everything was wonderful back in '93. There was no economic crisis because we were living off the bountiful teat of the internet and the housing market was flourishing. Well 17 years later, all that internet money has been spent, the housing market is in shambles and we're searching high and low for our next source of milk. Sports betting should be that source. There's no way AC can compete with the Pennsylvania casinos (their biggest competition), unless they offer something they don't have. From what I understand, none of the Pennsy casinos are so nice that they put AC casinos to shame. They're just much closer to a large source of Atlantic City's potential tourists. Offer those potential visitors something these Pennsy casinos don't have and that they want and they will come. They will come.
There's also an idea proposed by Senator Ray Lesniak. His proposed plans outline a few different ideas but what caught my attention was his idea of intra-state online gaming. You can read all about it by following the link above. There's some terminology I didn't understand in Hester's article but he lays out Lesniak's plans pretty clearly. Now that there's a committee to assess what's best for AC, I would hope they look into this online gaming thing. The profits look to be considerable. Also it sounds that it would put Atlantic City and New Jersey at the forefront of a major business possibility that other states have yet to embrace. We'll be kicking ourselves when Vegas and Nevada (or some other city and state) seize the opportunity first and cash in on it. The only people who seem to be opposed to it are the casino owners in AC because they feel like it would take away from their business. First of all, if they were able to offer sports betting, they might not oppose the idea as much because people would still only be able to place sports bets at their casino (and those degenerates would surely play table games and slots while there). Plus if all (or even just a portion of) the money from the online gaming went back into the city, then the casinos could stand to benefit from that. Hell, if the potential revenue from online gaming is that high, even give the casinos a lil cut of the profits. Just don't miss this boat.
My next thought for Atlantic City is a little more extreme. It starts off simple enough: Put strip clubs in casinos. I have no basis to know this will be successful other than the fact that I know men love breasts and I believe there are only a handful of strip clubs in AC. All of which are near one another. People who gamble tend to have addictive personalities (shocking, I know). Assuming this is true then, trust me, guys are gonna want to see T&A at some point and they'd preferably like to not stray too far from their precious table games to do so. There should even be a few strip clubs with male dancers for the ladies as well (you're welcome bitches). I know this would be successful. If just one casino tried it out, I guarentee it'd be hugely successful and all the casinos would want one in-house. Since we're talking about T&A, the second part of this idea (this is where I get a little nuts) is to legalize prostitution. Don't dismiss it too quickly. Remember I'm trying to go in the opposite direction of family-oriented and prostituion certainly is (perhaps on the path to hell but that;s neither here nor there). It's the oldest profession in the world and a lot of other countries embrace it. Nevada even does to an extent. Why not us? There's a few things people will always be willing to pay for no matter how tough time's are: alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, gambling and sex. That's the list. They are recession proof. I know we're a young and prude country but I think it's time we embraced prostitution as a legitimate occupation. Regulate the shit out of it if you want but it's time. Drastic times cause for drastic measures. Some places are so strapped for cash yet we have not utilized the world's oldest profession? Silliness. Once again let's get real, people are receiving cash for sex everyday. It's the cause of a lot of crime, particularly in Atlantic City. We try to stop them but we can't stop them all. Why not embrace and regulate it? It would eliminate all crime associated with it. We would be able to make sure those involved were disease-free. And I guarentee it would generate a ton of money, especially after the stigma of it wore off. I'm not saying it has to be legalized throughout the country. Just AC, the Vegas of the East, but better. The real Sin City. Just think about it. People would come from all over the country to experience Atlantic City.
If the prostitution idea is too much for you then just disregard that I said it (prude!). Everything else I suggested very well could help revitalize Atlantic City. I even have some milder quick fix ideas for Atlantic Avenue, the beach and Convention Center that could also help change the perception and generate some more revenue for the city. These ideas, along with those previously discussed, don't require a ton of financial backing...just a few tweaks of our laws and moral compass. Why not give them a shot? What do we have to lose?
I know these aren't the most conventional solutions to Atlantic City's problems but I think that's precisely what AC needs. Really I believe that unconventional solutions are ultimately going to be needed to solve most of the America's current problems. We can plug holes and put tape over the tears but the fact is the game has changed. In AC's case, more and more casinos have been opened in surrounding states that once condemned gambling. Many Americans are feeling financial strain due to the country's economic woes. Each year the country's (and world's) population grows and there are less legitimate jobs for these people to work. We need to start embracing new ideas (or old ideas that we haven't embraced yet). New Jersey is the most densely populated state. It has the 2nd largest casino market in the U.S. (based on revenue) and a lot of other great tourist attractions as well. It is smack-dab between New York City, Philadelphia, and Baltimore/Washington DC. With many people trying to save a buck however they can, especially when it comes to travel and vacationing, it's time to come up with innovative ideas to get people in Atlantic City. There is certainly still hope that AC can rebound from it's recent downturn and perhaps bounce back even stronger. I just hope those in charge do it the fun way.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Why I Fucking Hate Christmas
Right now we're headed down the final stretch. The week before Christmas. Anything and everything involving Christmas is in full swing. The lights, the decorations, the music, shopping, cooking, awful clothing, the commercials, etc. etc. etc. And I am severely annoyed by all of it this year. Let me start off by saying I have not always hated Christmas and I don't suspect that my hatred will last forever. Actually I have some very fond childhood memories of Christmas. I can still remember my sheer elation when I opened my original Nintendo system on Christmas morning many years ago. However, ever since I found out that that fat man in the red suit was just something adults made up, for God knows what reason, each Christmas has gotten worse and now I've hit rock bottom. Granted it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I'm 27 years old and still live at home with my parents (I struggled to find/keep a job after college and since finding/holding on to one, I've been saving up for...fuck off! I don't have to explain myself to you. I still live at home. That's all you need to know. If you find that sad or weird then eat shit and die). So essentially I've been experiencing the same Christmas nonsense all my life and I've had to it up to here!! (Holding my hand slightly above my head.). My hatred towards the holiday has been building all month. I've been trying to keep it in check and focus on some of the things that I like about it but I can't any longer. Everywhere you turn, someone or something is shoving Christmas down your throat. It's just too much. So I apologize in advance for my thoughts and some of the language I'm about to use but trust me it is completely necessary. Otherwise, I'd scream "Go to hell!" to the next person who wished me a happy holiday or I'd attack and murder the next dude I saw in a Santa outfit. And I don't wanna do that. I'm too pretty for jail and I don't want to be ostracized from the community for hating "the most wonderful time of the year". So here's why I fucking hate Christmas this year (deep breath)...
For starters, you can't even hate on Christmas without being called Scrooge or Grinch, which are just fucking references to fucking Christmas stories! Why can't I just be a miserable dick who hates Christmas? Shut the fuck up with the Grinch and Scrooge comments. If I'm Scrooge then you're a lil handicapped pip-squeak and I hope you die before Christmas or shortly after (I told ya. This is gonna get ugly).
Christmas is clearly the most overhyped holiday. How the fuck did it takeover the entire month? No other holiday dominates an entire month like Christmas. Valentine's Day comes close but is nowhere as overwhelming as Christmas. However the fact that they are similar leads me to believe that it is obviously the work of retail companies. They use their commercials to create all these illusions about Christmas traditions that you should, or MUST, partake in. And you know what? It fucking worked. I guarentee you Christmas didn't always dominate the entire month before TV and radio came into existence. Now we spend our hard-earned cash, that we've saved up all year, to buy massive amounts of unnecessary presents for people who don't deserve them. Make no mistake about it, very few people actually deserve the presents they get. The majority of gift recepients are children and 95% of those greedy lil bastards certainly don't deserve shit, let alone hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in gifts. The only children who actually deserve presents are the ones who are sick and they usually get the crappiest presents, like a teddy bear or something. The teddy bears from the link I just posted were brought to children in local hospitals in Calgary. A lovely thought but those kids should get iphones, Xbox360s and laptops. Give the teddy bears to the kids who are shitty all year except for December because "Santa Claus is coming to town".
Which brings me to my next point: Santa Fucking Claus. What an outlandish lie that has become. If you want to laugh go to Wikipedia, search Santa Claus, pretend you've never heard of him before, read away and laugh at this ridiculous, obviously made up, character. This is who we tell our children is responsible for Christmas. Lying straight to their faces...for years. Doing some of the most elabortae shit ever to maintain the lie. All because we think it makes Christmas more enjoyable for our children. That's bull shit. All kids care about are presents. Of course the idea of Santa makes Christmas more enchanting but at what cost? I truly believe that telling children Santa Claus is real makes them dumber individuals, which in turn leads to the already-high-enough population of idiots. Think about how impressionable kids are. They have their parents, whom they trust with all their hearts, telling them that it's possible for this overweight trespasser in red to make it around the world, via flying reindeer, and deliver presents to all 6 billion people on Earth...in one night. And they believe it! Of course they do. They're nieve and dumb. They haven't been introduced to lies or dissappointment yet. So they grow up believing this, all the other ridiculous shit we tell them and anything else their vivid imaginations can cook up which adequately fucks them up and turns them into idiots. Then at some point they find out the truth and they become jaded idiots. And they are a dangerous type of people.
Another effect this has on kids is it makes them unappreciative. They think some magical fat ass, who doesn't even need to be thanked, is responsible for Christmas. Think about it, how often do you see/hear about Santa after Christmas? Very little, if at all. If we're gonna continue with the whole Santa charade then the guys who play him at the mall should hang around til the Epiphany (Jan. 6th) and parents should take their kids to see him so they can properly thank him. But this won't happen and these shitty kids will continuously think that their borderline criminal behavior is more nice than naughty because they got a buttload of presents. They have absolutely no idea how hard their parents work or how much money they spend just to make their kids happy. That should be the first lesson of Christmas that children learn. Not that some dumb lard from the North Pole rewards children regardless of their questionable behavior. And don't try to tell me that the whole coal in the stocking thing is an effective way of conveying to children that they need to improve on their behavior. It just isn't. Coal is something we should be sending to those less fortunate in 3rd world countries. Not giving it to our spoiled children as a way to tell them they need to be better.
Another little thing that urks me about Christmas every year, which I touched on earlier, is all the fucking commercials. Almost every single company produces some ridiculously annoying Christmas commercial. It's either the big red fat bastard doing something moronic or people getting together and having a great time because they're enjoying whatever is being advertised. They wouldn't be that bad if there weren't so many of them or if they didn't start playing them immediately after Halloween but...they do. Again it's not anywhere close to the most annoying thing about the holiday but it adds up and slowly eats away at your sanity. One commercial, however, does completely drive me up the fucking wall. Lexus has been running Christmas commercials, year after year, of people getting Lexuses (or Lexi?) for mother fucking Christmas. Are you fucking kidding me? No one, outside of Mother Theresa or Angelina Jolie, deserves a Lexus for Christmas. Well Mother Theresa is dead and I'm fairly certain that Angelina is still very naughty at times (in my mind at least), so pretty much no one actually deserves a fucking luxury car for Christmas. I don't know what brainiac thought of this commercial or what kind of focus groups continuously give them the thumbs up, especially in this economy, but whoever is responsible should be sterilized. And don't even get me started on the giant ribbon they wrap the car in. I highly doubt anyone has ever wrapped a car with a giat red ribbon but if anyone has then they are the epitome of a douchebag.
Which brings me to my next grievance with Christmas: wrapping paper. Talk about a complete and utter waste of paper. I know it hides the gift and I guess it makes the whole process a lil more exciting but come on...not really. If actual trees are used to make wrapping paper then the practice of wrapping gifts needs to be stopped immediately. We can't be cutting down trees to make something look pretty for maybe 10 seconds before some monster rips it to pieces and tosses it all over the place. That has truly got to be a slightly devastating moment for parents: Watching their ungrateful kids rip through paper in the blink of an eye after they spent hours wrapping gifts in it and making them look nice. Some people maintain that this is one of the best parts of Christmas but those people are stupid. It's this kind of mindless tradition following that really pisses me off about Christmas. Just throw the presents in a bag or box and use the same bags/boxes every year. Trust me, no kid is enjoying the present receiving process any less. Jesus H. Christ!
Speaking of which, when did Jesus get taken out of the equation? Christmas is supposed to be about the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, correct? I honestly hear more about Jesus during the year whenever these groups of religious nuts are protesting something that'll make our society better, like abortion, stem cell research, etc. Then Christmas rolls around and I don't hear a peep about him. Hearing about Jesus during Christmas would actually be a breath of fresh air compared to hearing about that sweaty, jolly diabetic all the time. I understand that Christ was probably actually born in some other month and that we only celebrate at the end of the year for whatever reason, but man do I hear less and less about the babe in swaddling clothes each year. I'm gonna stop there because the reason I don't hear much about Jesus probably reflects more on myself than anything. I'll besmirch the shit outta Santa but Jesus may be real so I don't wanna say anything to offend him. For the record, JC if Santa was real, I'd still think you were cooler than him. Keep Christ in fucking Christmas people.
My least favorite part of Christmas is the receiving of gifts that you do not want at all. Honestly, I'd say about 90% of gifts received are completely unnecessary. People buy them for a number of different reasons: to be nice/thoughtful, because commercials persuaded them to, because someone got one for them, etc. Whatever the reason people sit in traffic, fight for parking spots, wait in long lines, and search high and low for deals just for shit that people don't really need. The worst kinds of gifts you get are typically from co-workers. I'd be shocked if anyone, ever, received a gift that they liked or could actually use from a co-worker. It just doesn't happen. That's why a lot of people just give cards to their co-workers. But even that is annoying because then you have to get one for them as well or else you look like an asshole. Getting crappy gifts from loved ones isn't that fun either. The fact that they know you better than others increases the chance that it's not complete shit but it still most likely is. And we have to pretend that we like it. Ugh it's awful.
Before I break the world's record for longest anti-Christmas blog, let me wrap this up. But first a quick warning: If you encounter someone who says that they wish it could Christmas all year 'round...RUN AWAY! Quickly. Get as far away from them as possible and don't ever talk to them again because clearly that person is demented. If it's someone that you can't distance yourself from because they're family or know too much about you and will find you then get them psychiatric help. They are the type of delusional human being who seems happy-go-lucky until something just snaps. Next thing you know they're going on a killing spree over a Tickle-me-Elmo. Please heed my advice. It's in everyone's best interest.
Obviously it's pretty easy to criticize Christmas (remember I could have kept writing). If I had the summarize why I hate it so much this year, it would be because of all the overindulgence. There's just way too much excess during this time of year and it makes me sick, especially when so many people are struggling to get by. Also I am thoroughly fed up with blindly following traditions. This has more to do with my current living situation than anything else. I truly can't wait until I get out of my parents house (any day now, I swear) so I have more control over what traditions I partake in. If you are able to avoid Christmas, or at least most of it's annoyances, because your family is all dead or estranged or something then God bless you. You are truly fortunate. Enjoy the holiday anyway you'd like. Even if it's sitting home alone, getting drunk and high and pounding off to your favorite porno...that's fine. That's what Christmas should be all about.
Merry fucking Christmas, you filthy animals.
For starters, you can't even hate on Christmas without being called Scrooge or Grinch, which are just fucking references to fucking Christmas stories! Why can't I just be a miserable dick who hates Christmas? Shut the fuck up with the Grinch and Scrooge comments. If I'm Scrooge then you're a lil handicapped pip-squeak and I hope you die before Christmas or shortly after (I told ya. This is gonna get ugly).
Christmas is clearly the most overhyped holiday. How the fuck did it takeover the entire month? No other holiday dominates an entire month like Christmas. Valentine's Day comes close but is nowhere as overwhelming as Christmas. However the fact that they are similar leads me to believe that it is obviously the work of retail companies. They use their commercials to create all these illusions about Christmas traditions that you should, or MUST, partake in. And you know what? It fucking worked. I guarentee you Christmas didn't always dominate the entire month before TV and radio came into existence. Now we spend our hard-earned cash, that we've saved up all year, to buy massive amounts of unnecessary presents for people who don't deserve them. Make no mistake about it, very few people actually deserve the presents they get. The majority of gift recepients are children and 95% of those greedy lil bastards certainly don't deserve shit, let alone hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in gifts. The only children who actually deserve presents are the ones who are sick and they usually get the crappiest presents, like a teddy bear or something. The teddy bears from the link I just posted were brought to children in local hospitals in Calgary. A lovely thought but those kids should get iphones, Xbox360s and laptops. Give the teddy bears to the kids who are shitty all year except for December because "Santa Claus is coming to town".
Which brings me to my next point: Santa Fucking Claus. What an outlandish lie that has become. If you want to laugh go to Wikipedia, search Santa Claus, pretend you've never heard of him before, read away and laugh at this ridiculous, obviously made up, character. This is who we tell our children is responsible for Christmas. Lying straight to their faces...for years. Doing some of the most elabortae shit ever to maintain the lie. All because we think it makes Christmas more enjoyable for our children. That's bull shit. All kids care about are presents. Of course the idea of Santa makes Christmas more enchanting but at what cost? I truly believe that telling children Santa Claus is real makes them dumber individuals, which in turn leads to the already-high-enough population of idiots. Think about how impressionable kids are. They have their parents, whom they trust with all their hearts, telling them that it's possible for this overweight trespasser in red to make it around the world, via flying reindeer, and deliver presents to all 6 billion people on Earth...in one night. And they believe it! Of course they do. They're nieve and dumb. They haven't been introduced to lies or dissappointment yet. So they grow up believing this, all the other ridiculous shit we tell them and anything else their vivid imaginations can cook up which adequately fucks them up and turns them into idiots. Then at some point they find out the truth and they become jaded idiots. And they are a dangerous type of people.
Another effect this has on kids is it makes them unappreciative. They think some magical fat ass, who doesn't even need to be thanked, is responsible for Christmas. Think about it, how often do you see/hear about Santa after Christmas? Very little, if at all. If we're gonna continue with the whole Santa charade then the guys who play him at the mall should hang around til the Epiphany (Jan. 6th) and parents should take their kids to see him so they can properly thank him. But this won't happen and these shitty kids will continuously think that their borderline criminal behavior is more nice than naughty because they got a buttload of presents. They have absolutely no idea how hard their parents work or how much money they spend just to make their kids happy. That should be the first lesson of Christmas that children learn. Not that some dumb lard from the North Pole rewards children regardless of their questionable behavior. And don't try to tell me that the whole coal in the stocking thing is an effective way of conveying to children that they need to improve on their behavior. It just isn't. Coal is something we should be sending to those less fortunate in 3rd world countries. Not giving it to our spoiled children as a way to tell them they need to be better.
Another little thing that urks me about Christmas every year, which I touched on earlier, is all the fucking commercials. Almost every single company produces some ridiculously annoying Christmas commercial. It's either the big red fat bastard doing something moronic or people getting together and having a great time because they're enjoying whatever is being advertised. They wouldn't be that bad if there weren't so many of them or if they didn't start playing them immediately after Halloween but...they do. Again it's not anywhere close to the most annoying thing about the holiday but it adds up and slowly eats away at your sanity. One commercial, however, does completely drive me up the fucking wall. Lexus has been running Christmas commercials, year after year, of people getting Lexuses (or Lexi?) for mother fucking Christmas. Are you fucking kidding me? No one, outside of Mother Theresa or Angelina Jolie, deserves a Lexus for Christmas. Well Mother Theresa is dead and I'm fairly certain that Angelina is still very naughty at times (in my mind at least), so pretty much no one actually deserves a fucking luxury car for Christmas. I don't know what brainiac thought of this commercial or what kind of focus groups continuously give them the thumbs up, especially in this economy, but whoever is responsible should be sterilized. And don't even get me started on the giant ribbon they wrap the car in. I highly doubt anyone has ever wrapped a car with a giat red ribbon but if anyone has then they are the epitome of a douchebag.
Which brings me to my next grievance with Christmas: wrapping paper. Talk about a complete and utter waste of paper. I know it hides the gift and I guess it makes the whole process a lil more exciting but come on...not really. If actual trees are used to make wrapping paper then the practice of wrapping gifts needs to be stopped immediately. We can't be cutting down trees to make something look pretty for maybe 10 seconds before some monster rips it to pieces and tosses it all over the place. That has truly got to be a slightly devastating moment for parents: Watching their ungrateful kids rip through paper in the blink of an eye after they spent hours wrapping gifts in it and making them look nice. Some people maintain that this is one of the best parts of Christmas but those people are stupid. It's this kind of mindless tradition following that really pisses me off about Christmas. Just throw the presents in a bag or box and use the same bags/boxes every year. Trust me, no kid is enjoying the present receiving process any less. Jesus H. Christ!
Speaking of which, when did Jesus get taken out of the equation? Christmas is supposed to be about the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, correct? I honestly hear more about Jesus during the year whenever these groups of religious nuts are protesting something that'll make our society better, like abortion, stem cell research, etc. Then Christmas rolls around and I don't hear a peep about him. Hearing about Jesus during Christmas would actually be a breath of fresh air compared to hearing about that sweaty, jolly diabetic all the time. I understand that Christ was probably actually born in some other month and that we only celebrate at the end of the year for whatever reason, but man do I hear less and less about the babe in swaddling clothes each year. I'm gonna stop there because the reason I don't hear much about Jesus probably reflects more on myself than anything. I'll besmirch the shit outta Santa but Jesus may be real so I don't wanna say anything to offend him. For the record, JC if Santa was real, I'd still think you were cooler than him. Keep Christ in fucking Christmas people.
My least favorite part of Christmas is the receiving of gifts that you do not want at all. Honestly, I'd say about 90% of gifts received are completely unnecessary. People buy them for a number of different reasons: to be nice/thoughtful, because commercials persuaded them to, because someone got one for them, etc. Whatever the reason people sit in traffic, fight for parking spots, wait in long lines, and search high and low for deals just for shit that people don't really need. The worst kinds of gifts you get are typically from co-workers. I'd be shocked if anyone, ever, received a gift that they liked or could actually use from a co-worker. It just doesn't happen. That's why a lot of people just give cards to their co-workers. But even that is annoying because then you have to get one for them as well or else you look like an asshole. Getting crappy gifts from loved ones isn't that fun either. The fact that they know you better than others increases the chance that it's not complete shit but it still most likely is. And we have to pretend that we like it. Ugh it's awful.
Before I break the world's record for longest anti-Christmas blog, let me wrap this up. But first a quick warning: If you encounter someone who says that they wish it could Christmas all year 'round...RUN AWAY! Quickly. Get as far away from them as possible and don't ever talk to them again because clearly that person is demented. If it's someone that you can't distance yourself from because they're family or know too much about you and will find you then get them psychiatric help. They are the type of delusional human being who seems happy-go-lucky until something just snaps. Next thing you know they're going on a killing spree over a Tickle-me-Elmo. Please heed my advice. It's in everyone's best interest.
Obviously it's pretty easy to criticize Christmas (remember I could have kept writing). If I had the summarize why I hate it so much this year, it would be because of all the overindulgence. There's just way too much excess during this time of year and it makes me sick, especially when so many people are struggling to get by. Also I am thoroughly fed up with blindly following traditions. This has more to do with my current living situation than anything else. I truly can't wait until I get out of my parents house (any day now, I swear) so I have more control over what traditions I partake in. If you are able to avoid Christmas, or at least most of it's annoyances, because your family is all dead or estranged or something then God bless you. You are truly fortunate. Enjoy the holiday anyway you'd like. Even if it's sitting home alone, getting drunk and high and pounding off to your favorite porno...that's fine. That's what Christmas should be all about.
Merry fucking Christmas, you filthy animals.
Monday, October 25, 2010
MLB Playoffs Are Silly (Kinda)
Let me start off by saying that I think major league baseball playoffs are awesome. Since the creation of the wild card, MLB has been thoroughly entertaining to watch during the months of September and October (and even November sometimes). The main reason I feel this way is because the Phillies have been heavily involved and successful in these months the last 3 years. Another reason is because, after such a long season, it's nice to see games really matter (Side note: obviously every regular season game matters and determines whether a team makes the playoffs or not but in the regular season if you lose a game, there are a bunch of games after that where a team can bounce back. At the end of the regular season and in the postseason, not so much). My question is this: After a 162 game season, why is the first round only 5 games? The best team does not always win in a 5 game series. If the weaker team has the best pitcher, they can easily win the 2 games he'd pitch. That means all they have to do is get lucky 1 other game to win the series. I guess you could say that that team deserves to win, since they have the better pitcher. Or that if the other team is in fact better then they should win regardless. And maybe you'd be right. I'm just saying, why not make it a 7-game series to be sure? I mean, they play 162 games to figure out who should make the playoffs. They can't play 7 games to see who makes it to the second round? That's silly to me. If they're worried about the playoffs going too deep into November then I would suggest shortening the regular season a lil bit. If they wouldn't want to shorten the season because clubs would lose out on some money, then I'd say I have a tough time feeling bad for billionaire owners missing out on some cash. Fans from teams that aren't gonna make the playoffs don't go to the games at the end of the season anyway. The point is, adding 2 games to the first round and/or shortening the regular season by at least 2 games isn't gonna have drastic consequences, except we'll know who the better team definitely is.
The next thing that bothers me is the scheduling of these playoff games. This aspect of the postseason doesn't irk me nearly as much as my first reason but it is something I'd like to see tweeked if possible. For starters, the fact that no 2 games are played at the same time leads to some problems. This causes a number of games to be played in the afternoon, when most people are at work. Since no games can be played at the same time, obviously you'd want to small market teams to play in the early games and big market teams to play later in primetime, so more people can watch the more popular teams. But what about fans who wait all year (or even years) for their team to make the playoffs, only to have their team's playoff games scheduled at 1 o'clock in the afternoon during the week. This may not be too big of problem for the fans of the 2 teams playing (taking a half day at work or being "sick" that day will free up the time) but what about those who can't take off? What about casual fans of MLB who would watch this game if it was on at night? I wonder how much worse ratings would be if 2 games were on 2 different networks at the same time. Maybe there was research done to determine that the way they do it now is the best way to air these games. Or maybe MLB determined that the typical basbeball fan is a college student or unemployed (highly likely in this economy), but again I wonder.
Another possible disadvantage of playing day games is, sometimes they are played at times when shadows come into play. What if these shadows start between the pitcher's mound and home plate, making it difficult for batters to see pitches? Do we really want a playoff game decided that way? Granted it will probably be the same disadvantage for both teams and players have to deal with this at times during the regular season, but I think it is something they shouldn't have to worry about in the playoffs. I'm being kinda picky here but I think it is something to consider.
Another problem is the lay off in between games. Sometimes this can't be avoided, like when one team sweeps a series but another series takes the maximum amount of games. Obviously you can't start the next round until the first round is over. Another thing that can't be avoided are off days for travel. It's a stretch to call this a problem because there's only so much MLB can do here. It's really just a part of postseason play but this is significantly different than how teams play during the regular season. Teams play almost every single day for 6 months, then in the playoffs, they get a day off every 2 or 3 days. And of course there's the possibility I cited above, when teams can have almost a whole week off before playing another game. Baseball players are creatures of habit. So when something happens to change their habits, it's gonna affect their performance. Pitchers pitch once every 4 or 5 days so they aren't really affected by this. Batters, on the other hand, are negativle affected. It's hard to get into a groove as a hitter when you're not batting, in game situations, regularly. So baseball playoffs are all about pitching whereas the regular season is more balanced. This is a significant difference.
Obviously all these things I mentioned aren't huge problems. The MLB postseason is very entertaining and appears to be a success each year, especially when the Yankees or Red Sox are involved. It just seems that MLB is more interested in making as much money as possible on postseason games instead of making sure they are unbiased for the teams involved and convenient for fans. It'll be interesting to see if any of this changes over the years and, also, if MLB becomes more comfortable with utilizing instant replay (which may be material for another post at a later date, if you're lucky).
The next thing that bothers me is the scheduling of these playoff games. This aspect of the postseason doesn't irk me nearly as much as my first reason but it is something I'd like to see tweeked if possible. For starters, the fact that no 2 games are played at the same time leads to some problems. This causes a number of games to be played in the afternoon, when most people are at work. Since no games can be played at the same time, obviously you'd want to small market teams to play in the early games and big market teams to play later in primetime, so more people can watch the more popular teams. But what about fans who wait all year (or even years) for their team to make the playoffs, only to have their team's playoff games scheduled at 1 o'clock in the afternoon during the week. This may not be too big of problem for the fans of the 2 teams playing (taking a half day at work or being "sick" that day will free up the time) but what about those who can't take off? What about casual fans of MLB who would watch this game if it was on at night? I wonder how much worse ratings would be if 2 games were on 2 different networks at the same time. Maybe there was research done to determine that the way they do it now is the best way to air these games. Or maybe MLB determined that the typical basbeball fan is a college student or unemployed (highly likely in this economy), but again I wonder.
Another possible disadvantage of playing day games is, sometimes they are played at times when shadows come into play. What if these shadows start between the pitcher's mound and home plate, making it difficult for batters to see pitches? Do we really want a playoff game decided that way? Granted it will probably be the same disadvantage for both teams and players have to deal with this at times during the regular season, but I think it is something they shouldn't have to worry about in the playoffs. I'm being kinda picky here but I think it is something to consider.
Another problem is the lay off in between games. Sometimes this can't be avoided, like when one team sweeps a series but another series takes the maximum amount of games. Obviously you can't start the next round until the first round is over. Another thing that can't be avoided are off days for travel. It's a stretch to call this a problem because there's only so much MLB can do here. It's really just a part of postseason play but this is significantly different than how teams play during the regular season. Teams play almost every single day for 6 months, then in the playoffs, they get a day off every 2 or 3 days. And of course there's the possibility I cited above, when teams can have almost a whole week off before playing another game. Baseball players are creatures of habit. So when something happens to change their habits, it's gonna affect their performance. Pitchers pitch once every 4 or 5 days so they aren't really affected by this. Batters, on the other hand, are negativle affected. It's hard to get into a groove as a hitter when you're not batting, in game situations, regularly. So baseball playoffs are all about pitching whereas the regular season is more balanced. This is a significant difference.
Obviously all these things I mentioned aren't huge problems. The MLB postseason is very entertaining and appears to be a success each year, especially when the Yankees or Red Sox are involved. It just seems that MLB is more interested in making as much money as possible on postseason games instead of making sure they are unbiased for the teams involved and convenient for fans. It'll be interesting to see if any of this changes over the years and, also, if MLB becomes more comfortable with utilizing instant replay (which may be material for another post at a later date, if you're lucky).
Friday, October 8, 2010
I Hate Dog Lovers
I hate dog lovers. I really do. I'm not a huge fan of dogs either. A lot of people think I hate them but the truth is, I don't. I just have no desire to have a pet dog. Or any animal for that matter. Except a monkey but that's normal, right? I understand that monkeys don't make great pets though because eventually they just become extremely aggressive and hump everything, then you have to give them away to a zoo. At least that's what "Friends" taught me. Anyway, it's not dogs' fault that I dislike them. Though I do hate eating around them while they stare at me and wimper like little bitches. It's the people who own them that really grind my gears. Here's some reasons/examples of why I've come to feel this way.
A lot of dog owners treat their pets like they are human beings. The main offense that really bothers me is dressing them up in clothes. I can't even describe how much this infuriates me. Actually, yes I can. When I see a dog wearing clothes I want to rip them off it, wipe my butt with them, shove them in it's owner's mouth and then go all JackBlack on the pooch. That's how I want to roll but I don't because I'm a pretty easy-going guy (Can you tell?). Dogs are not people! They do not need to wear clothes!! They have fucking fur!!! Stop dressing them up!!!!! See...easy-going. Also I hate when people talk to dogs like they're babies. Dogs need to be spoken to like dogs. If you talk to them like babies, they just become shitty dogs who don't obey commands at all and then they really agitate me. But really this just annoys me because I hate listening to people baby-talk to an animal that has no fucking idea what he/she is saying. It's beyond idiotic. Dogs really are like babies. And babies are not cool at all. I have friends who have dogs and they can't go away for more than 12 hours without making plans for someone to take care of their little babies. Is a little bit of unconditional love from something too stupid to do anything otherwise really worth all the responsiblility, time and money?
I also dislike when I have to pretend I'm concerned when someone's dog has health problems. I get that it is their loyal companion and best friend or whatever but how can you get that attached to something that isn't going to live that long? The average lifespan of a dog is 12 years. The average lifespan of a human is 65 years. A person can have at least 5 dogs die on them over the course of their life. Realistically it's more than that because dogs die from random shit all the time (getting hit by cars, Chinese people eating them, Michael Vick, etc.) and humans are living a lot longer these days thanks to modern medicine. If I know and like the canine and it's owner then I have no problem spending 5-10 minutes on listening to the owner cry about his/her furry friend. But that's it. After 10 minutes I lose all sympathy. I can't waste that much time on something that doesn't live that long. If I never met your dog or don't like your dog or you, then don't waste your breath telling me about your sick pet. I'm not even going to fake interest. I'll just tell you that even if it overcomes whatever health obstacle it's facing, it's just going to die soon after that anyway. So get over it now. I know this is cold on my part but I don't need the love and affection dogs provide. I get it from, you know, other people. That's enough for me. I'm not needy like most dog owners.
The last thing that really pisses me off about dog lovers is the fact that there are a disturbing amount of them that like dogs more than people. They believe that dogs should be treated better than most people. An example of this is after Hurricane Katrina hit and the levees broke, there was a group of people that went around trying to save all the dogs even though there were still people in danger. My parents are friends with one of these weirdos. Look, I get why people feel like they have to protect dogs. There's a ton of shit they can't do by themselves and their existence has become so intertwined with our's but you have to put human lives before a dog's. I've looked over websites that list reasons why dogs are better than people (or men, because women are so funny like that) and quite frankly I can't tell whether the reasons are serious or a joke because dog people are so freaking loopy. I mean, people try to marry their dogs all the time! Obviously that's an extreme example but people are always citing reasons why canines are better than humans. Most of these reasons are because dogs don't have the ability to do a lot of things, like a dog doesn't judge you because it can't. Trust me if your dog could, it would make so much fun of you, you'd wanna drown it in your tub. But they can't because they are inferior creatures. So what does that say about people who like them more than other people? I'd say it means that these people have mental, emotional or social problems. And I don't like people with mental, emotional or social problems. I got enough of my own to worry about. So have fun with your dogs, nut jobs. I'll be sure to point the police in your direction next time they're looking for a dog sodomizer.
Let me stop before I sound completely heartless (too late?). The main reason I wrote this is because I feel like I'm surrounded by dog lovers. There's a lady I work with who baby-talks to pictures of her dogs. Pictures!!! I'm on facebook where at least 4 friends started accounts for their dogs. They post things as their pet, regularly. There are a ton of other people I'm "friends" with who post comments or pics about their dog...all the time. It's one thing to be obsessed with your canine, it's another to share every single reason why you're obsessed with people that don't care. I know I can just de-friend these people or hide their posts. Believe me I do but it leaves me with no place to express my frustration. I don't want to offend the nuts that I am actually friends with (or those who's photos I like to stalk). Hence this post. As you can probably tell I never had a pet dog growing up (that would be remarkable if I did and still felt this way). I don't think I ever even asked my parents to buy me a dog. Maybe that means I'm dead on the inside. Maybe one day I'll have kids who bug me every chance they get to buy them a dog until I break down and do it. And maybe then I will realize all the magnificence dogs have to offer but in the meantime shut up about it. No one likes a braggart and no one likes your dog as much as you do.
A lot of dog owners treat their pets like they are human beings. The main offense that really bothers me is dressing them up in clothes. I can't even describe how much this infuriates me. Actually, yes I can. When I see a dog wearing clothes I want to rip them off it, wipe my butt with them, shove them in it's owner's mouth and then go all JackBlack on the pooch. That's how I want to roll but I don't because I'm a pretty easy-going guy (Can you tell?). Dogs are not people! They do not need to wear clothes!! They have fucking fur!!! Stop dressing them up!!!!! See...easy-going. Also I hate when people talk to dogs like they're babies. Dogs need to be spoken to like dogs. If you talk to them like babies, they just become shitty dogs who don't obey commands at all and then they really agitate me. But really this just annoys me because I hate listening to people baby-talk to an animal that has no fucking idea what he/she is saying. It's beyond idiotic. Dogs really are like babies. And babies are not cool at all. I have friends who have dogs and they can't go away for more than 12 hours without making plans for someone to take care of their little babies. Is a little bit of unconditional love from something too stupid to do anything otherwise really worth all the responsiblility, time and money?
I also dislike when I have to pretend I'm concerned when someone's dog has health problems. I get that it is their loyal companion and best friend or whatever but how can you get that attached to something that isn't going to live that long? The average lifespan of a dog is 12 years. The average lifespan of a human is 65 years. A person can have at least 5 dogs die on them over the course of their life. Realistically it's more than that because dogs die from random shit all the time (getting hit by cars, Chinese people eating them, Michael Vick, etc.) and humans are living a lot longer these days thanks to modern medicine. If I know and like the canine and it's owner then I have no problem spending 5-10 minutes on listening to the owner cry about his/her furry friend. But that's it. After 10 minutes I lose all sympathy. I can't waste that much time on something that doesn't live that long. If I never met your dog or don't like your dog or you, then don't waste your breath telling me about your sick pet. I'm not even going to fake interest. I'll just tell you that even if it overcomes whatever health obstacle it's facing, it's just going to die soon after that anyway. So get over it now. I know this is cold on my part but I don't need the love and affection dogs provide. I get it from, you know, other people. That's enough for me. I'm not needy like most dog owners.
The last thing that really pisses me off about dog lovers is the fact that there are a disturbing amount of them that like dogs more than people. They believe that dogs should be treated better than most people. An example of this is after Hurricane Katrina hit and the levees broke, there was a group of people that went around trying to save all the dogs even though there were still people in danger. My parents are friends with one of these weirdos. Look, I get why people feel like they have to protect dogs. There's a ton of shit they can't do by themselves and their existence has become so intertwined with our's but you have to put human lives before a dog's. I've looked over websites that list reasons why dogs are better than people (or men, because women are so funny like that) and quite frankly I can't tell whether the reasons are serious or a joke because dog people are so freaking loopy. I mean, people try to marry their dogs all the time! Obviously that's an extreme example but people are always citing reasons why canines are better than humans. Most of these reasons are because dogs don't have the ability to do a lot of things, like a dog doesn't judge you because it can't. Trust me if your dog could, it would make so much fun of you, you'd wanna drown it in your tub. But they can't because they are inferior creatures. So what does that say about people who like them more than other people? I'd say it means that these people have mental, emotional or social problems. And I don't like people with mental, emotional or social problems. I got enough of my own to worry about. So have fun with your dogs, nut jobs. I'll be sure to point the police in your direction next time they're looking for a dog sodomizer.
Let me stop before I sound completely heartless (too late?). The main reason I wrote this is because I feel like I'm surrounded by dog lovers. There's a lady I work with who baby-talks to pictures of her dogs. Pictures!!! I'm on facebook where at least 4 friends started accounts for their dogs. They post things as their pet, regularly. There are a ton of other people I'm "friends" with who post comments or pics about their dog...all the time. It's one thing to be obsessed with your canine, it's another to share every single reason why you're obsessed with people that don't care. I know I can just de-friend these people or hide their posts. Believe me I do but it leaves me with no place to express my frustration. I don't want to offend the nuts that I am actually friends with (or those who's photos I like to stalk). Hence this post. As you can probably tell I never had a pet dog growing up (that would be remarkable if I did and still felt this way). I don't think I ever even asked my parents to buy me a dog. Maybe that means I'm dead on the inside. Maybe one day I'll have kids who bug me every chance they get to buy them a dog until I break down and do it. And maybe then I will realize all the magnificence dogs have to offer but in the meantime shut up about it. No one likes a braggart and no one likes your dog as much as you do.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Me Not Write Good
As I'm sure you've noticed from my posts, I'm not the best writer. I know I'm not terrible but I bet an English teacher could go to town on my posts with a red marker. So I'm going to take a moment to explain/apologize for some of my writing tendencies.
For starters, I'm a rambler. I feel like even the smallest details are imperative to a story and can't be left out. I apologize for this but just know that whatever you're reading was once longer and much harder to follow. I do my best to keep it short and sweet (or let's say not too long and ridiculous). I think I get this from my mother, who takes at least 20 minutes to tell any story, even the simplest one. More elaborate tales can take her hours, if not days, to complete. In addition to thinking every detail is important, I am also a scatterbrain. Any given aspect of a story can send me into another, completely different anecdote. I'll start off talking about an epic play I made in softball, the next thing you know I'm outlining the steps needed to be taken to help stimulate Atlantic City's economy in my opinion. I blame this partly on my mom again, who is also a scatterbrain but aren't all women? Mostly I blame drugs and alcohol. I believe they are responsible for the death and destruction of many brain cells that could have helped me concentrate on one topic at a time. If you're saying to yourself, "Well you're the one who decided to ingest those drugs and alcohol." then I'd say "Fuck you. I was peer pressured." And if you had the audacity to challenge that I'd scream, "SHUT UP!!!" and run home to the loving arms of my bong and crack open a beer to chase the shot of vodka and valium I just took. Just kidding (or am I?).
Which brings me to my next tendency: I love parenthesis. I use them alot. They're a great way to sneak in a funny one-liner or to clarify what I'm really saying without interrupting the flow too much. I want to use them a lot more than I actually do but I try to exercise some restraint. Again I love using them and will not apologize for doing so.
I use informal words and phrases a lot. This is a direct result of the demise of the English language. I know this has been going on for quite some time but I believe it has gotten increasingly worse over the last 10 years or so. I first noted it in the 90's when people started using antonyms of words as synonyms (ie. something that was "bad" could mean good, something "sick" could be awesome, etc). Then came the "izzle" phenomenon. I'm still not sure how that works. Nowadays I feel that everything is abbreviated. This has to be a result of the rise of technology, mainly text messaging and instant messaging. There are countless examples of this and I like it for the most part, even though I usually have no idea what these abbreviations mean when I first see them. However you will not see me do that on here too much without an explanation. Mainly you'll see me use words like "gonna" or "wanna". I'm a big fan of "Ima" instead of "I'm going to". I'll probably correct most of this during the proofreading process but if some things slip by me, I hope you squares can forgive me.
I seem to have some problems with tense, quotations and run-on sentences. Tense is kind of a big deal. I'll be telling a story in the past tense and suddenly change to present tense. Or vice versa. Sometimes in mid-sentence. I try to fix this after proofreading but I don't even notice it most of the time. I hope you don't either or can just power through my dimwittedness. I don't think quotations are a big deal. I get the point across with or without them. I just wish I could use them correctly all the time. I suspect that I will get better at using them the more I write (did you catch that stellar quotation above? Fun, right? And this is only my 3rd post). My run-on sentences are almost always corrected during the proofreading process but sometimes I miss them and they are long & fantastic. I hope you get to experience some of them.
If you see any other kind of grammar mistake, feel free to leave a comment and chastise me mercilessly for my dumb errors. It's the only way I'll learn.
Perhaps the main reason for these deficiencies is because during my 12 years at Catholic school, I only had to write two or three serious papers (5+ pages). Most of the papers I had to write were only 2-3 pages and they were few and far between. When I did have to write one, I'd just give it to my parents to proofread and fix all the retarded grammar mistakes. They would usually end up just writing a whole new paper for me and I would look like a genius when it came time for my teacher to grade it. I was devastated when I got to college and found out I had to write papers all the time. It forced me to make smart, nerdy friends and search the internet for non-porn material (which was infuriating). Sometime between my first year and graduation I got not terrible at writing but since graduation I've lost the majority of my mediocre writing skills. So that is the gist of why I stink at writing. Wow. That explanation was only supposed to be a paragraph and look how long this entry is. See? Rambler.
For starters, I'm a rambler. I feel like even the smallest details are imperative to a story and can't be left out. I apologize for this but just know that whatever you're reading was once longer and much harder to follow. I do my best to keep it short and sweet (or let's say not too long and ridiculous). I think I get this from my mother, who takes at least 20 minutes to tell any story, even the simplest one. More elaborate tales can take her hours, if not days, to complete. In addition to thinking every detail is important, I am also a scatterbrain. Any given aspect of a story can send me into another, completely different anecdote. I'll start off talking about an epic play I made in softball, the next thing you know I'm outlining the steps needed to be taken to help stimulate Atlantic City's economy in my opinion. I blame this partly on my mom again, who is also a scatterbrain but aren't all women? Mostly I blame drugs and alcohol. I believe they are responsible for the death and destruction of many brain cells that could have helped me concentrate on one topic at a time. If you're saying to yourself, "Well you're the one who decided to ingest those drugs and alcohol." then I'd say "Fuck you. I was peer pressured." And if you had the audacity to challenge that I'd scream, "SHUT UP!!!" and run home to the loving arms of my bong and crack open a beer to chase the shot of vodka and valium I just took. Just kidding (or am I?).
Which brings me to my next tendency: I love parenthesis. I use them alot. They're a great way to sneak in a funny one-liner or to clarify what I'm really saying without interrupting the flow too much. I want to use them a lot more than I actually do but I try to exercise some restraint. Again I love using them and will not apologize for doing so.
I use informal words and phrases a lot. This is a direct result of the demise of the English language. I know this has been going on for quite some time but I believe it has gotten increasingly worse over the last 10 years or so. I first noted it in the 90's when people started using antonyms of words as synonyms (ie. something that was "bad" could mean good, something "sick" could be awesome, etc). Then came the "izzle" phenomenon. I'm still not sure how that works. Nowadays I feel that everything is abbreviated. This has to be a result of the rise of technology, mainly text messaging and instant messaging. There are countless examples of this and I like it for the most part, even though I usually have no idea what these abbreviations mean when I first see them. However you will not see me do that on here too much without an explanation. Mainly you'll see me use words like "gonna" or "wanna". I'm a big fan of "Ima" instead of "I'm going to". I'll probably correct most of this during the proofreading process but if some things slip by me, I hope you squares can forgive me.
I seem to have some problems with tense, quotations and run-on sentences. Tense is kind of a big deal. I'll be telling a story in the past tense and suddenly change to present tense. Or vice versa. Sometimes in mid-sentence. I try to fix this after proofreading but I don't even notice it most of the time. I hope you don't either or can just power through my dimwittedness. I don't think quotations are a big deal. I get the point across with or without them. I just wish I could use them correctly all the time. I suspect that I will get better at using them the more I write (did you catch that stellar quotation above? Fun, right? And this is only my 3rd post). My run-on sentences are almost always corrected during the proofreading process but sometimes I miss them and they are long & fantastic. I hope you get to experience some of them.
If you see any other kind of grammar mistake, feel free to leave a comment and chastise me mercilessly for my dumb errors. It's the only way I'll learn.
Perhaps the main reason for these deficiencies is because during my 12 years at Catholic school, I only had to write two or three serious papers (5+ pages). Most of the papers I had to write were only 2-3 pages and they were few and far between. When I did have to write one, I'd just give it to my parents to proofread and fix all the retarded grammar mistakes. They would usually end up just writing a whole new paper for me and I would look like a genius when it came time for my teacher to grade it. I was devastated when I got to college and found out I had to write papers all the time. It forced me to make smart, nerdy friends and search the internet for non-porn material (which was infuriating). Sometime between my first year and graduation I got not terrible at writing but since graduation I've lost the majority of my mediocre writing skills. So that is the gist of why I stink at writing. Wow. That explanation was only supposed to be a paragraph and look how long this entry is. See? Rambler.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Done With Young Chicks
Yep, you read it correctly. I am finished attempting to hook up with chicks 5+ years younger than me. Is that drastic enough? I don't want to exclude too many women. Side note: This exclusion is definitely subject to change the older (more desperate) I get. I'm 27 years old now so that encompasses chicks between the ages of 18-22. Now I know a lot of people will say I'm crazy for doing such a thing because this is typically when females are in their physical prime. I'm not saying I wouldn't hook up with a girl between these ages. Lord knows I would. I'm just not making the effort anymore. They might be at their peak physically but they are nowhere close to their mental or social zenith. And quite frankly it's become fucking frustrating. Here's what happened to make me feel this way:
It was a Friday night and I was particularly in the mood to go out, get heavily intoxicated and hunt for some muff. I hadn't gotten really drunk in a while (maybe a week or two) and was mildly desperate to get laid (I'd rather not reveal how long it had been). When my buddy Tic texted me at 6:30 PM to let me know that the plan was to pregame at his place then head into Philly, I didn't think much of it. That's a fairly typical plan of attack. However he also mentioned that a lady friend of his would be joining us and that she may be bringing a friend or two. I was elated. This could significantly increase my odds of getting laid. The more friends she brought, the better my odds were.
When I got to his place to find zero girls and five of my friends, I was not discouraged. It was still early. We started playing games that involved drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I asked Tic how many girls were coming over. He said 4. I asked how old they were. He said 21. I started to get a little more excited. When I asked my friends which of them were coming out, only Tic and my cousin DPZ (who is in a relationship) said they were. I was even more inspired. My odds of getting some poon just skyrocketed. When the four ladies arrived and I saw that all of them ranged from borderline attractive to extremely attractive, I was giddy. Tic attempted to introduce all of them to us and vice versa but that's a difficult task to pull off. After that he started giving them a little tour of his place. While he did this I removed myself from the game we were playing to do something (nothing) on my phone in order to be available for individual introductions. This quickly paid off when Tic asked if I wanted to play a game with the newcomers. I casually accepted and was introduced to the following young ladies (I would love to use real names but quite frankly I don't remember them at all): Gladys- the one Tic knows and wants to hook up with, attractive and soft spoken with wonderful-looking breasts. Mildred- the hottest of the 4, a cross between Amy Smart and Scarlett Johansson minus the bodacious bod. Her body was just really nice. Blanche- brunette, thin and very outgoing. The least attractive of the 4 but certainly not ugly. And Gertrude- right behind Mildred in attractiveness, resembles porn star Jenna Haze (her friends' comparison, not mine. Though I saw the resemblance immediately).
We all get along right away and start playing a game that involves giving out X amount of seconds to drink, an excellent way to flirt and get those you're flirting with drunk beyond rational thought. Mildred takes herself out of the "Get banged by Kev" running by saying, "My boyfriend..." I immediately tuned her out after that so I can't tell you what she said but it doesn't matter. She's dead to me. A tragic loss. And then there were two, Blanche and Gertrude. Blanche emerged as the early favorite with her outgoing personality, flirty conversation and eye humping of me. But Gertrude hung in there with her killer good looks and equally flirty dialogue. Example: As we're both standing by some snacks Tic put out she says to me, "These pretzels are really good." See what I mean? She was pretty much all over me. I responded, "Yeh, they are" and it was on. We continued playing games and I divided any drinking time that I got to give out between Blanche and Gerty. I call it "lubing up the gears of fornication". We all start getting drunker, feeling more comfortable with each other, taking pictures, laughing and just having a darn good time when we decide it's time to go out.
We take two cars, guys and girls riding seperately. The girls follow us and we lose them at some point on the journey. No biggie. Gladys texts Tic to say they know where they are going and they'll see us there. She also mentions that they are gonna smoke some ganja in their car when they get there. I'm noting this because this is the climax of the night for me: I'm having a lovely time with my friends and four, attractive 21 year olds who smoke pot. I'm in heaven. Tic and DPZ don't smoke so they decline and I do as well because I don't know how far behind they are and don't necessarily need to smoke pot with girls I just met (I don't have the best track record in those situations). But I'm hoping to do so later. Of course, things go down hill shortly after that.
We get to the bar first. I'm on cloud 9 at this point and pay the cover charge for all three of us and buy the first round. Tic, DPZ and I are scoping out the bar when the girls come in. They tell us to head upstairs with them to get a drink. I run to the bathroom real quick and meet everyone up there. When I get there and see that the girls don't have drinks yet and Tic & DPZ need refills, I offer to buy another round of drinks. They eagerly accept my offer. Buying one drink in the city can be costly. Buying 7 drinks is VERY costly but I didn't care. Money means nothing on cloud 9. I must have been pretty fucking drunk at this point because this is when details start to get a little fuzzy. I remember being upstairs for a little bit (not even a whole drink), then the girls going downstairs and us following them down shortly after. Next thing I know we get downstairs and they are talking to another group of guys. One of these tools happens to be Ville Leino, a hockey player for the Philadelphia Flyers for those who don't know (this handsome devil). So I guess Ville and his friends were better looking or had more money or more interesting shit to say because these girls were done talking to us. They spent the rest of the night talking to these douchebags instead. Again I was hammered at this point so it might not have been that long but it was long enough where we had to regroup and formulate a new plan of action. I could not be a part of this process. I was furious and shitfaced. I had to figure out how I, personally, was going to handle the situation. I came up with 3 options: 1) Overlook the fact that these girls just ditched us to talk to Ville & Co., continue to hang around the girls anyway and dominate the conversation with aggressive, borderline offensive ridicule, 2) Forget about these girls, start at square 1 and look for other girls to hit on, or 3) Continue to drink my face off and drown my frustrations with massive amounts of alcohol. Which do you think I chose? Survey says...option #3. There was a time in my life when I would have absolutely chosen option #1 but that would have probably resulted in a fight and I'm a lover these days, not a fighter. If I wasn't already smashed and capable of having a conversation with strangers, I would have went with option #2 (plus it was a sausagefest at this bar). But alas, I was drunk and angry so option #3 seemed most appealing. I spent the remainder of the night drinking heavily, looking at other people in disgust and making fun of anyone I laid eyes on. When we decided it was time to leave, I proceeded to tell Tic and DPZ how I thought those girls were c-words. Ah fuck it! This is my blog which no one will probably read so I'll just say it. It's just a word. I called them cunts. Stupid, immature cunts. I called them Cunty McCunts from Cuntstown. Repeatedly. It was the only healthy way to express my anger and frustration at that point. I have no recollection of the rest of the night. Apparently we went to another bar. The next thing I knew it's 2:00 PM on Saturday and I'm in my bed, fully clothed (including shoes) with a monumental hangover.
I know this isn't a terribly fucked up story that should cause me to arrive at such a drastic conclusion but I've had enough. When it comes to dealing with chicks this age, they seem to be more trouble then they're worth, in my opinion. There is a social etiquette women should follow at bars: If you agree to accept a drink from a guy, you are expected to at least talk to that guy for a little bit. Older chicks get this. Younger chicks don't. These girls did not get it, on top of the fact that they pregamed with us for a couple hours before we even got to the bar and had a good time! And they barely talked to us at the bar!! Aaaaaaaah it frustrates me!!! I hate getting played by stupid, immature GIRLS. That is why I'm done treating them the same way I treat the women. No more free drinks or witty banter for you, young bitches. You'll get none of it anymore. Your loss too because I used to love spending my money and sexual energy pleasing you. Now all that cash and animal love will go to chicks my age. And cougars.
It was a Friday night and I was particularly in the mood to go out, get heavily intoxicated and hunt for some muff. I hadn't gotten really drunk in a while (maybe a week or two) and was mildly desperate to get laid (I'd rather not reveal how long it had been). When my buddy Tic texted me at 6:30 PM to let me know that the plan was to pregame at his place then head into Philly, I didn't think much of it. That's a fairly typical plan of attack. However he also mentioned that a lady friend of his would be joining us and that she may be bringing a friend or two. I was elated. This could significantly increase my odds of getting laid. The more friends she brought, the better my odds were.
When I got to his place to find zero girls and five of my friends, I was not discouraged. It was still early. We started playing games that involved drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I asked Tic how many girls were coming over. He said 4. I asked how old they were. He said 21. I started to get a little more excited. When I asked my friends which of them were coming out, only Tic and my cousin DPZ (who is in a relationship) said they were. I was even more inspired. My odds of getting some poon just skyrocketed. When the four ladies arrived and I saw that all of them ranged from borderline attractive to extremely attractive, I was giddy. Tic attempted to introduce all of them to us and vice versa but that's a difficult task to pull off. After that he started giving them a little tour of his place. While he did this I removed myself from the game we were playing to do something (nothing) on my phone in order to be available for individual introductions. This quickly paid off when Tic asked if I wanted to play a game with the newcomers. I casually accepted and was introduced to the following young ladies (I would love to use real names but quite frankly I don't remember them at all): Gladys- the one Tic knows and wants to hook up with, attractive and soft spoken with wonderful-looking breasts. Mildred- the hottest of the 4, a cross between Amy Smart and Scarlett Johansson minus the bodacious bod. Her body was just really nice. Blanche- brunette, thin and very outgoing. The least attractive of the 4 but certainly not ugly. And Gertrude- right behind Mildred in attractiveness, resembles porn star Jenna Haze (her friends' comparison, not mine. Though I saw the resemblance immediately).
We all get along right away and start playing a game that involves giving out X amount of seconds to drink, an excellent way to flirt and get those you're flirting with drunk beyond rational thought. Mildred takes herself out of the "Get banged by Kev" running by saying, "My boyfriend..." I immediately tuned her out after that so I can't tell you what she said but it doesn't matter. She's dead to me. A tragic loss. And then there were two, Blanche and Gertrude. Blanche emerged as the early favorite with her outgoing personality, flirty conversation and eye humping of me. But Gertrude hung in there with her killer good looks and equally flirty dialogue. Example: As we're both standing by some snacks Tic put out she says to me, "These pretzels are really good." See what I mean? She was pretty much all over me. I responded, "Yeh, they are" and it was on. We continued playing games and I divided any drinking time that I got to give out between Blanche and Gerty. I call it "lubing up the gears of fornication". We all start getting drunker, feeling more comfortable with each other, taking pictures, laughing and just having a darn good time when we decide it's time to go out.
We take two cars, guys and girls riding seperately. The girls follow us and we lose them at some point on the journey. No biggie. Gladys texts Tic to say they know where they are going and they'll see us there. She also mentions that they are gonna smoke some ganja in their car when they get there. I'm noting this because this is the climax of the night for me: I'm having a lovely time with my friends and four, attractive 21 year olds who smoke pot. I'm in heaven. Tic and DPZ don't smoke so they decline and I do as well because I don't know how far behind they are and don't necessarily need to smoke pot with girls I just met (I don't have the best track record in those situations). But I'm hoping to do so later. Of course, things go down hill shortly after that.
We get to the bar first. I'm on cloud 9 at this point and pay the cover charge for all three of us and buy the first round. Tic, DPZ and I are scoping out the bar when the girls come in. They tell us to head upstairs with them to get a drink. I run to the bathroom real quick and meet everyone up there. When I get there and see that the girls don't have drinks yet and Tic & DPZ need refills, I offer to buy another round of drinks. They eagerly accept my offer. Buying one drink in the city can be costly. Buying 7 drinks is VERY costly but I didn't care. Money means nothing on cloud 9. I must have been pretty fucking drunk at this point because this is when details start to get a little fuzzy. I remember being upstairs for a little bit (not even a whole drink), then the girls going downstairs and us following them down shortly after. Next thing I know we get downstairs and they are talking to another group of guys. One of these tools happens to be Ville Leino, a hockey player for the Philadelphia Flyers for those who don't know (this handsome devil). So I guess Ville and his friends were better looking or had more money or more interesting shit to say because these girls were done talking to us. They spent the rest of the night talking to these douchebags instead. Again I was hammered at this point so it might not have been that long but it was long enough where we had to regroup and formulate a new plan of action. I could not be a part of this process. I was furious and shitfaced. I had to figure out how I, personally, was going to handle the situation. I came up with 3 options: 1) Overlook the fact that these girls just ditched us to talk to Ville & Co., continue to hang around the girls anyway and dominate the conversation with aggressive, borderline offensive ridicule, 2) Forget about these girls, start at square 1 and look for other girls to hit on, or 3) Continue to drink my face off and drown my frustrations with massive amounts of alcohol. Which do you think I chose? Survey says...option #3. There was a time in my life when I would have absolutely chosen option #1 but that would have probably resulted in a fight and I'm a lover these days, not a fighter. If I wasn't already smashed and capable of having a conversation with strangers, I would have went with option #2 (plus it was a sausagefest at this bar). But alas, I was drunk and angry so option #3 seemed most appealing. I spent the remainder of the night drinking heavily, looking at other people in disgust and making fun of anyone I laid eyes on. When we decided it was time to leave, I proceeded to tell Tic and DPZ how I thought those girls were c-words. Ah fuck it! This is my blog which no one will probably read so I'll just say it. It's just a word. I called them cunts. Stupid, immature cunts. I called them Cunty McCunts from Cuntstown. Repeatedly. It was the only healthy way to express my anger and frustration at that point. I have no recollection of the rest of the night. Apparently we went to another bar. The next thing I knew it's 2:00 PM on Saturday and I'm in my bed, fully clothed (including shoes) with a monumental hangover.
I know this isn't a terribly fucked up story that should cause me to arrive at such a drastic conclusion but I've had enough. When it comes to dealing with chicks this age, they seem to be more trouble then they're worth, in my opinion. There is a social etiquette women should follow at bars: If you agree to accept a drink from a guy, you are expected to at least talk to that guy for a little bit. Older chicks get this. Younger chicks don't. These girls did not get it, on top of the fact that they pregamed with us for a couple hours before we even got to the bar and had a good time! And they barely talked to us at the bar!! Aaaaaaaah it frustrates me!!! I hate getting played by stupid, immature GIRLS. That is why I'm done treating them the same way I treat the women. No more free drinks or witty banter for you, young bitches. You'll get none of it anymore. Your loss too because I used to love spending my money and sexual energy pleasing you. Now all that cash and animal love will go to chicks my age. And cougars.
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