I Hate Dog Lovers

I hate dog lovers. I really do. I'm not a huge fan of dogs either. A lot of people think I hate them but the truth is, I don't. I just have no desire to have a pet dog. Or any animal for that matter. Except a monkey but that's normal, right? I understand that monkeys don't make great pets though because eventually they just become extremely aggressive and hump everything, then you have to give them away to a zoo. At least that's what "Friends" taught me. Anyway, it's not dogs' fault that I dislike them. Though I do hate eating around them while they stare at me and wimper like little bitches. It's the people who own them that really grind my gears. Here's some reasons/examples of why I've come to feel this way.

A lot of dog owners treat their pets like they are human beings. The main offense that really bothers me is dressing them up in clothes. I can't even describe how much this infuriates me. Actually, yes I can. When I see a dog wearing clothes I want to rip them off it, wipe my butt with them, shove them in it's owner's mouth and then go all JackBlack on the pooch. That's how I want to roll but I don't because I'm a pretty easy-going guy (Can you tell?). Dogs are not people! They do not need to wear clothes!! They have fucking fur!!! Stop dressing them up!!!!! See...easy-going. Also I hate when people talk to dogs like they're babies. Dogs need to be spoken to like dogs. If you talk to them like babies, they just become shitty dogs who don't obey commands at all and then they really agitate me. But really this just annoys me because I hate listening to people baby-talk to an animal that has no fucking idea what he/she is saying. It's beyond idiotic. Dogs really are like babies. And babies are not cool at all. I have friends who have dogs and they can't go away for more than 12 hours without making plans for someone to take care of their little babies. Is a little bit of unconditional love from something too stupid to do anything otherwise really worth all the responsiblility, time and money?

I also dislike when I have to pretend I'm concerned when someone's dog has health problems. I get that it is their loyal companion and best friend or whatever but how can you get that attached to something that isn't going to live that long? The average lifespan of a dog is 12 years. The average lifespan of a human is 65 years. A person can have at least 5 dogs die on them over the course of their life. Realistically it's more than that because dogs die from random shit all the time (getting hit by cars, Chinese people eating them, Michael Vick, etc.) and humans are living a lot longer these days thanks to modern medicine. If I know and like the canine and it's owner then I have no problem spending 5-10 minutes on listening to the owner cry about his/her furry friend. But that's it. After 10 minutes I lose all sympathy. I can't waste that much time on something that doesn't live that long. If I never met your dog or don't like your dog or you, then don't waste your breath telling me about your sick pet. I'm not even going to fake interest.  I'll just tell you that even if it overcomes whatever health obstacle it's facing, it's just going to die soon after that anyway. So get over it now. I know this is cold on my part but I don't need the love and affection dogs provide. I get it from, you know, other people. That's enough for me. I'm not needy like most dog owners.

The last thing that really pisses me off about dog lovers is the fact that there are a disturbing amount of them that like dogs more than people. They believe that dogs should be treated better than most people. An example of this is after Hurricane Katrina hit and the levees broke, there was a group of people that went around trying to save all the dogs even though there were still people in danger. My parents are friends with one of these weirdos. Look, I get why people feel like they have to protect dogs. There's a ton of shit they can't do by themselves and their existence has become so intertwined with our's but you have to put human lives before a dog's. I've looked over websites that list reasons why dogs are better than people (or men, because women are so funny like that) and quite frankly I can't tell whether the reasons are serious or a joke because dog people are so freaking loopy. I mean, people try to marry their dogs all the time! Obviously that's an extreme example but people are always citing reasons why canines are better than humans. Most of these reasons are because dogs don't have the ability to do a lot of things, like a dog doesn't judge you because it can't. Trust me if your dog could, it would make so much fun of you, you'd wanna drown it in your tub. But they can't because they are inferior creatures. So what does that say about people who like them more than other people? I'd say it means that these people have mental, emotional or social problems. And I don't like people with mental, emotional or social problems. I got enough of my own to worry about. So have fun with your dogs, nut jobs. I'll be sure to point the police in your direction next time they're looking for a dog sodomizer.

Let me stop before I sound completely heartless (too late?). The main reason I wrote this is because I feel like I'm surrounded by dog lovers. There's a lady I work with who baby-talks to pictures of her dogs. Pictures!!! I'm on facebook where at least 4 friends started accounts for their dogs. They post things as their pet, regularly. There are a ton of other people I'm "friends" with who post comments or pics about their dog...all the time. It's one thing to be obsessed with your canine, it's another to share every single reason why you're obsessed with people that don't care. I know I can just de-friend these people or hide their posts. Believe me I do but it leaves me with no place to express my frustration. I don't want to offend the nuts that I am actually friends with (or those who's photos I like to stalk). Hence this post. As you can probably tell I never had a pet dog growing up (that would be remarkable if I did and still felt this way). I don't think I ever even asked my parents to buy me a dog. Maybe that means I'm dead on the inside. Maybe one day I'll have kids who bug me every chance they get to buy them a dog until I break down and do it. And maybe then I will realize all the magnificence dogs have to offer but in the meantime shut up about it. No one likes a braggart and no one likes your dog as much as you do.