Yep, you read it correctly. I am finished attempting to hook up with chicks 5+ years younger than me. Is that drastic enough? I don't want to exclude too many women. Side note: This exclusion is definitely subject to change the older (more desperate) I get. I'm 27 years old now so that encompasses chicks between the ages of 18-22. Now I know a lot of people will say I'm crazy for doing such a thing because this is typically when females are in their physical prime. I'm not saying I wouldn't hook up with a girl between these ages. Lord knows I would. I'm just not making the effort anymore. They might be at their peak physically but they are nowhere close to their mental or social zenith. And quite frankly it's become fucking frustrating. Here's what happened to make me feel this way:
It was a Friday night and I was particularly in the mood to go out, get heavily intoxicated and hunt for some muff. I hadn't gotten really drunk in a while (maybe a week or two) and was mildly desperate to get laid (I'd rather not reveal how long it had been). When my buddy Tic texted me at 6:30 PM to let me know that the plan was to pregame at his place then head into Philly, I didn't think much of it. That's a fairly typical plan of attack. However he also mentioned that a lady friend of his would be joining us and that she may be bringing a friend or two. I was elated. This could significantly increase my odds of getting laid. The more friends she brought, the better my odds were.
When I got to his place to find zero girls and five of my friends, I was not discouraged. It was still early. We started playing games that involved drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I asked Tic how many girls were coming over. He said 4. I asked how old they were. He said 21. I started to get a little more excited. When I asked my friends which of them were coming out, only Tic and my cousin DPZ (who is in a relationship) said they were. I was even more inspired. My odds of getting some poon just skyrocketed. When the four ladies arrived and I saw that all of them ranged from borderline attractive to extremely attractive, I was giddy. Tic attempted to introduce all of them to us and vice versa but that's a difficult task to pull off. After that he started giving them a little tour of his place. While he did this I removed myself from the game we were playing to do something (nothing) on my phone in order to be available for individual introductions. This quickly paid off when Tic asked if I wanted to play a game with the newcomers. I casually accepted and was introduced to the following young ladies (I would love to use real names but quite frankly I don't remember them at all): Gladys- the one Tic knows and wants to hook up with, attractive and soft spoken with wonderful-looking breasts. Mildred- the hottest of the 4, a cross between Amy Smart and Scarlett Johansson minus the bodacious bod. Her body was just really nice. Blanche- brunette, thin and very outgoing. The least attractive of the 4 but certainly not ugly. And Gertrude- right behind Mildred in attractiveness, resembles porn star Jenna Haze (her friends' comparison, not mine. Though I saw the resemblance immediately).
We all get along right away and start playing a game that involves giving out X amount of seconds to drink, an excellent way to flirt and get those you're flirting with drunk beyond rational thought. Mildred takes herself out of the "Get banged by Kev" running by saying, "My boyfriend..." I immediately tuned her out after that so I can't tell you what she said but it doesn't matter. She's dead to me. A tragic loss. And then there were two, Blanche and Gertrude. Blanche emerged as the early favorite with her outgoing personality, flirty conversation and eye humping of me. But Gertrude hung in there with her killer good looks and equally flirty dialogue. Example: As we're both standing by some snacks Tic put out she says to me, "These pretzels are really good." See what I mean? She was pretty much all over me. I responded, "Yeh, they are" and it was on. We continued playing games and I divided any drinking time that I got to give out between Blanche and Gerty. I call it "lubing up the gears of fornication". We all start getting drunker, feeling more comfortable with each other, taking pictures, laughing and just having a darn good time when we decide it's time to go out.
We take two cars, guys and girls riding seperately. The girls follow us and we lose them at some point on the journey. No biggie. Gladys texts Tic to say they know where they are going and they'll see us there. She also mentions that they are gonna smoke some ganja in their car when they get there. I'm noting this because this is the climax of the night for me: I'm having a lovely time with my friends and four, attractive 21 year olds who smoke pot. I'm in heaven. Tic and DPZ don't smoke so they decline and I do as well because I don't know how far behind they are and don't necessarily need to smoke pot with girls I just met (I don't have the best track record in those situations). But I'm hoping to do so later. Of course, things go down hill shortly after that.
We get to the bar first. I'm on cloud 9 at this point and pay the cover charge for all three of us and buy the first round. Tic, DPZ and I are scoping out the bar when the girls come in. They tell us to head upstairs with them to get a drink. I run to the bathroom real quick and meet everyone up there. When I get there and see that the girls don't have drinks yet and Tic & DPZ need refills, I offer to buy another round of drinks. They eagerly accept my offer. Buying one drink in the city can be costly. Buying 7 drinks is VERY costly but I didn't care. Money means nothing on cloud 9. I must have been pretty fucking drunk at this point because this is when details start to get a little fuzzy. I remember being upstairs for a little bit (not even a whole drink), then the girls going downstairs and us following them down shortly after. Next thing I know we get downstairs and they are talking to another group of guys. One of these tools happens to be Ville Leino, a hockey player for the Philadelphia Flyers for those who don't know (this handsome devil). So I guess Ville and his friends were better looking or had more money or more interesting shit to say because these girls were done talking to us. They spent the rest of the night talking to these douchebags instead. Again I was hammered at this point so it might not have been that long but it was long enough where we had to regroup and formulate a new plan of action. I could not be a part of this process. I was furious and shitfaced. I had to figure out how I, personally, was going to handle the situation. I came up with 3 options: 1) Overlook the fact that these girls just ditched us to talk to Ville & Co., continue to hang around the girls anyway and dominate the conversation with aggressive, borderline offensive ridicule, 2) Forget about these girls, start at square 1 and look for other girls to hit on, or 3) Continue to drink my face off and drown my frustrations with massive amounts of alcohol. Which do you think I chose? Survey says...option #3. There was a time in my life when I would have absolutely chosen option #1 but that would have probably resulted in a fight and I'm a lover these days, not a fighter. If I wasn't already smashed and capable of having a conversation with strangers, I would have went with option #2 (plus it was a sausagefest at this bar). But alas, I was drunk and angry so option #3 seemed most appealing. I spent the remainder of the night drinking heavily, looking at other people in disgust and making fun of anyone I laid eyes on. When we decided it was time to leave, I proceeded to tell Tic and DPZ how I thought those girls were c-words. Ah fuck it! This is my blog which no one will probably read so I'll just say it. It's just a word. I called them cunts. Stupid, immature cunts. I called them Cunty McCunts from Cuntstown. Repeatedly. It was the only healthy way to express my anger and frustration at that point. I have no recollection of the rest of the night. Apparently we went to another bar. The next thing I knew it's 2:00 PM on Saturday and I'm in my bed, fully clothed (including shoes) with a monumental hangover.
I know this isn't a terribly fucked up story that should cause me to arrive at such a drastic conclusion but I've had enough. When it comes to dealing with chicks this age, they seem to be more trouble then they're worth, in my opinion. There is a social etiquette women should follow at bars: If you agree to accept a drink from a guy, you are expected to at least talk to that guy for a little bit. Older chicks get this. Younger chicks don't. These girls did not get it, on top of the fact that they pregamed with us for a couple hours before we even got to the bar and had a good time! And they barely talked to us at the bar!! Aaaaaaaah it frustrates me!!! I hate getting played by stupid, immature GIRLS. That is why I'm done treating them the same way I treat the women. No more free drinks or witty banter for you, young bitches. You'll get none of it anymore. Your loss too because I used to love spending my money and sexual energy pleasing you. Now all that cash and animal love will go to chicks my age. And cougars.
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